The Blog from Prague

Reflections

2009-08-17T06:38:00.000-07:00

Now that almost a month has passed since my return from the Czech Republic, I feel that I can offer some final reflections on my experience there.

By the end of my month there, I think I can say that I adapted fairly well to life there. I wouldn't say that I learned to fit in but rather that I learned not to stand out. Which is to say, I could navigate the city, public transportation, the grocery store, and restaurants without causing trouble, holding up lines, or drawing extra attention to myself. I used all the Czech I had at my disposal on numerous occasions and was quite proud of myself for that. If traveling again to a non-English speaking country, I will be sure to study the language a bit harder before I leave! (A word of advice: Don't just learn how to ask directions in a lanugage; make sure you know some of the words people will be using when they reply to you. Pointing only gets you so far.) Some people argued that since pretty much everyone speaks English over there, there's really no point in learning other languages. It's true, I know people who get around just fine with English. However, Rick Steves says in his travel guide (and I agree) that making even a tiny bit of effort to say hello in the local language wins you extra points with ticket sellers, waitresses, and just about anyone you need to help you. It also shows that you respect the country and the culture that you are temporarily inhabiting.

This experience used all of the skills I have - I had to speak a foreign language (Okay, about the 20 words of Czech I know, but even my spanish came in handy pronouncing some things at a restaurant called "El Cid"), organize like crazy to get through everything I wanted to see, play violin, read a map, navigate a city, learn history about the fascinating things I was seeing, and write. I feel like it really pushed me to the limit of what I knew how to do and more. After all, if I got lost or didn't pay attention I could end up stuck somewhere where I didn't speak the language or have a way to get back to the dorm.

The musical experience was absolutely amazing. After talking to some people about my experience and who have read previous entries, it seems like I've given the impression that I went somewhere where crazy Czech teachers beat up on my playing for no good reason. I don't think I gave that impression and it certainly wasn't my intent, so let me correct that now. I had a combination of Czech and American teachers, all of whom were fantastic players themselves and were perfectly able to demonstrate what they were teaching. They all pointed out a number of bad habits I have (often the same habit was pointed out by more than one teacher) which I also observed in my own playing. Yes, I was frequently upset and frustrated with my playing, but it wasn't because the teachers were unkind. It was because I saw more clearly than ever before just how much work I need to do to become a real violinist. And after these lessons and practicing sessions working on my own playing, I went to three concerts a week where my peers played at a level that I'm not accustomed to seeing people my age (or younger) play at. Musically, it was an incredibly humbling experience. I wouldn't say all of it was fun, exactly, but it needed to happen. I am so, so grateful I had this. It put a lot of things in perspective for me and that is exactly what needed to happen at this point in my life. I'm going to be a senior in college, I'm thinking about graduate school and ultimately, my career. It's time to be more serious than ever about making sure that I play the violin as well as possible.

So if anyone is looking for a music festival I would highly recommend IMAP. You get several lessons a week with different teachers, coachings with fantastic chamber players, and to live in a really beautiful city. You have free time on weekends to travel. You get to go to the most amazing concerts and, best of all, you have a lot of time to practice.

On a lighter note, let me just say that the first American grocery store I went to at home was a Whole Foods Market and I nearly wept with joy to see English ingredient lists and to have the cashier speak to me in English. ;-)

Pictures!

2009-07-25T04:09:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

I'll be finishing the blog from home since I need to spend my day packing. Thanks so much for following along with me.

http://clairestravelsinthecr.shutterfly.com/

Check out my pictures while you wait for my posts about the abandoned castle I visited and my last days in Plzen.

And, as on the way here, your prayers for a smooth and safe journey home would be very much appreciated. :-)

Love,

Claire

Plzen from Above and Below, in War and in Peace

2009-07-23T07:03:00.001-07:00

Hello, dear readers!
It's hard to believe that in just a few short days I will be back at home and may not be back in this part of the world for a very long time. I have absolutely loved it here. I think I've liked the traveling part slightly better than the dorm situation - it is not horrible, but it's quite a bit worse than the dorm I was in my freshman year of college. I'll be really really happy to be at home in my house with my parents.

Just for fun, here's a list of things I will NOT miss about the Czech Republic...
- the fact that most of the time I have no idea what is going on between the spoken Czech and the signs all over the place, also in Czech
- having to pay a lot of money for water in a restaurant (beer comes in pints and is literally much cheaper than a very small 12 oz bottle of water)
- having to pay to use public restrooms. That's right, paying to use the bathroom. At the bus station in Prague, it costs 5 Kc (approximately $.25) to use the bathroom.
- having to pay to be allowed to take pictures in places

Okay. So, I've been spending the last week or so slowly doing all the things around Plzen that are more touristy or at least more unique to Plzen.

Above: Katrina and I climbed the tower to St. Bartholomew's Cathedral. For me, it was not nearly so scary the second time and the view is just ridiculously gorgeous.

Below: Sho and I went to the Historic Plzen Underground today. There are 20 km of tunnels and cellars under the city dating back to the Middle Ages. For 90 Kc you can go on a one hour long tour and for an extra 100 Kc you can take pictures. Count yourselves lucky, dear readers, that I am pretty obsessed with taking pictures and that once I have access to a camera cord again you too will be able to see the underside of Plzen. Make sure you do the 1:00 pm tour though; that's the only one that is in English. The tunnels were originally built to get to underground wells for the city's water supply. They also served as medieval refrigerators, since it is definitely cool enough down there (about 10 degrees Celsius) to keep food. They were also a key part of Plzen's defense system. Plzen is bordered by four rivers, forming somewhat of a natural defense and many centuries ago there were thick walls around the city as well. The underground gave the residents a place to store food, water, and to safely get around the city without being seen. It was also a place to store weaponry and provided escape routes. In fact, Plzen was defended so well that it was only captured once, in the Thirty Years War. The tunnels are really cool (no pun intended) to visit. We had to wear hard hats since in some parts the ceiling is very low. The humidity is very high down there, and the moisture in the air is nearly tangible. There are display cases down there holding different items that have been excavated from the underground - for example, ceramics, stonework, iron work, dishes, bowls, building stones, and weapons. The tour ends at a gigantic waterwheel underneath the city's water tower. All in all, quite fascinating history.

Michael and I also went to the Patton Museum. It's very militaristic in style, but General Patton was the commander who liberated Plzen from the Nazis in May 1945. The city still has a liberation festival every May. Things of note in the museum include lots of WWII things - weapons, a submachine gun, a Browning machine gun, knives, ammunition, a parachute, the things soldiers would use in their daily lives, newspaper clippings, a bronze bust of Colonel Charles Noble, and a signed hat from General Patton himself. Very cool.

We also went to the synagogue in town, which is the third largest synagogue in the world. It is absolutely beautiful. Europeans certainly know how to do their places of worship. High ceilings, a balcony and a large main floor. Stained glass windows everywhere. Gorgeous chandeliers and decorations looking like stone tablets (just very elegant ones) with Hebrew writing on them.

This post will be finished later - I have to go to a concert now!

A Soggy Yet Incredibly Fun Excursion to Praha

2009-07-19T12:41:00.000-07:00

I went to Praha with some friends on Saturday in order to leave Sunday free for the possibility of travel to somewhere else. However, travel plans for Sunday fell through.

Now, dear readers, you may reproach me for not making the effort to go somewhere exciting on my last free day in Europe. However, my reasons for not going are as follows:

1. I didn't fall in with a group of friends who was renting a car and going to Italy like some people here.
2. The group attempts at going places all failed.
3. It's pretty easy to find people to go to Prague with, but finding people to commit to a longer more expensive trip with is difficult.

and

4. I am more or less out of money. I have enough to eat this week as long as I limit myself to sandwiches and nutella and ramen. I am a college student. I am poor. And I am determined to finish out this trip without asking my parents to add money to my bank account.

So. My Saturday trip to Prague. On the metro into Praha, we decided (almost on a whim) to go to the Dvořák Museum and I am so glad we did. The museum is a beautiful house which we think he lived in. It is beautiful, although not very big. The first floor is centered around the ticket desk which doubles as the cash register for the gift shop. The rooms are all connected (sort of like on the first floor of my house) so you can walk around the first floor in a circle. The first floor is dedicated to Dvořák's life and the second floor to his compositions. In what looks like a living room, the first thing one sees is a desk with an open score...which is a fascimile of the New World Symphony.

Important documents that we saw on the first floor include his birth, marriage, and death certificates. We also saw the robes he wore when he graduated from Cambridge, some silver laurels and cups he received as various awards, and his viola. :-)

Next is a room with his piano, a crucifix he owned, a bronze bust of Dvořák, and other assorted memorabilia.

We then went up a spiral staircase carpeted in red and exclaimed in awe at what we saw upon arriving on the second floor.

A very large square room held display cases along the walls, chairs arranged as if it were a concert salon, and a piano. A side room with more displays was barely visible from the main room around the corner. What was striking, however, was the fact that the walls and ceiling are entirely covered in frescoes. I don't believe there is a plain spot in the wall. The frescoes are brightly colored and depict scenes and themes from Greek mythology. It is modeled after the temple of the Muses. Central to the ceiling fresco is Apollo seated on Pegasus.

There is a scene painted in each corner of the room, one representing each branch of the arts, for four in total. The first represents Architecture and depicts Emperor Vespasianus looking up the plans for the Coliseum. He is seated on his throne while an elderly man holds the blueprints for the building with a crowd in the background.

Next is Painting, represented by Apelles painting a portrait of Alexander the Great. Alexander lounges in a chair, draped in a scarlet cloak with a large dog at his side.
Orpheus is painted surrouned by wild beasts that he has tamed by playing his lyre. He, of course, represents Music. He's mostly naked except for a rather tastefully draped red cloth.
Finally, Geometry is represented by a depiction of the death of Archimedes. Archimedes is portrayed as an old, bearded, shirtless man who clutches a diagram of a triangle as an armored soldier wields a spear, poised to deliver the fatal blow.
Three painted statues appear between the columns painted on the walls of the room, paying homage to the goddesses and god Athena, Artemis, and Hermes.
Here's Artemis. Between and around these larger scenes and paintings are painted frolicing cherubs and beautifully detailed stonework.

This room is just absolutely gorgeous. The display cases in this room and the next contain manuscripts, letters, photographs, and other Dvořák related items. Here's a list of some of the most notable things I saw:

- a post mortem mold of Dvořák's right hand
- his writing materials
- a photo of the Joachim Quartet
- the first page of the manscripts to...
- the second movement of the New World Symphony
-the Cello Concerto
- the Violin Concerto
- The Violin Sonatina
- the third movement of the American Quartet.

All in all, I'm very glad we went. I can't believe I almost went to Praha without seeing it. I bought an artists sketch of the house/museum. An impulse buy, I freely admit, but something I will treasure forever. After our stop in the gift shop, we spent a few moments in the garden snapping pictures despite the rain. The garden was not terribly elaborate but was simple and elegant, with three statues and a small courtyard.

Living in Plzen

2009-07-17T02:31:00.000-07:00

After nearly three weeks here I suppose I can say I've "lived" in a foreign country, if only for a short time as opposed to just visiting. I'm a fan of this particular European experience because I get the experience of traveling a bit and seeing what it's like to live in a European city. I've written a lot about the travel and a little about the music but not very much about day-to-day life. I shall endeavor to do this now.

Plzen (please note that I am trying to use Czech spellings whenever possible, therefore, Pilsen is Plzen and Prague is Praha) has a very beautiful and historic downtown and more modern - well, plain and kind of ugly to be honest - apartment buildings making up the suburbs. I haven't lived in a dormitory since my freshman year of college and let me just say that Saylor Hall at B-W is a lot more luxurious than this. The room I live in is a triple during the school year, but I have it to myself. The size is one of the things it has going for it. There is a kitchen on every floor that is shared with two electric burners, a microwave, and a refrigerator but few pots, pans, utensils, or dishes.

A typical day here...I guess I'll take my schedule from this past Tuesday as an example.

I wake up around 7:30, 7:45 by the time I hit the snooze button a couple of times. (For those of you doing the time conversion, that's 1:30 am EST.) I do the Dounis Daily dozen, eat breakfast, which consists of two hardboiled eggs, some dry cereal, and maybe some orange juice, and get dressed. I take the talking elevator (it tells you what floor you are on in Czech) downstairs and walk a half block to the ram stop. The tram seems to run every 10 minutes or so. It looks like a cross between a trolley and a Metro car. Most of them are yellow, but a few are decorated, most notably the Gambrinus (a type of beer) one and my personal favorite, the Plzen Philharmonia. It has musical instruments on it. How can you not love public transportation that has musical instruments on it? One really little thing that is different from the US is that one needs to push a button to open the doors when boarding or exiting. It's easy to forget to do, but there are generally enough impatient locals who will reach around you and push the button if you neglect to and are just standing there like an idiot waiting for the door to open.

The dorm tram stop is called "U Druzby" (pronounced OO Drouz bee, but with tall vowels) and the downtown stop (which I cannot pronounce or spell) is four stops away. Inside the trams it's usually crowded enough that finding a seat is rare and and a smell of sweat and body odor is prevalent despite the open windows. Luckily the ride is only 10-20 minutes, depending on how long it takes the tram to get around the construction on the line. There is one place where only one line of track is completed so the trams have to take turns getting through them. From the downtown stop, across from the third largest synagogue in the world, it's a five minute walk to the Konzervator Plzen. The route there takes me past cafes, shops, a produce market, and a park with beautiful plants, fountains, and statues of famous people in Czech history including Bedrich Smetana.

Then there is a masterclass from 10 am to 12 pm. We have had several classes - Ivan Straus did a series of masterclasses on Dounis, Leos Cepisky of the Wohan Quartet, Jiri Fiser of the Prague Conservatory, and his son Jan Fiser who is the concertmaster of the Prague Philharmonic. Next week the concertmaster of the Czech Philharmonic is coming for a class. I've never actually played in a class here and don't expect to because I would be incredibly embarrassed and quite frankly, my best isn't good enough here.

After the masterclass I have an hour to kill before my lesson so I go to a Czech sandwich shop a couple blocks away. Everything there is really fresh, quite cheap, and very tasty. It's also totally in Czech. I decide which pre-made sandwich I want by peering closely at the sandwiches in the counter and picking one without cheese. I order by greeting the clerk in Czech ("Dobry den"), pointing at the sandwich I want and paying, saying thank you and good bye in Czech as well. I then take my food to the park where I sit by the fountain and eat. I'm quite fond of the sandwiches from this chop. They're on delicious bread - like a sub - that has some type of delicious garlic butter on it. There's lettuce, meat, and peppers which add some crunch and a little kick to the sandwich.

After my lunch in the park I spent the rest of the time reading the one book I brought with me (The Name of the Wind, by Patrick Rothfuss. I highly recommend it) or writing in my journal. Then I have a lesson at 1 pm. I have had four violin teachers in my time here, sometimes all in the same week! All are very different and I've learned so many useful things from all of them.

First, there is Stephen Shipps from the University of Michigan. He is a little on the conservative side, at least with me, but is very very insistent that I play in tune. He actually reminds me a bit of my eighth grade algebra teacher, Mr. Styron, both in appearance and in his dry sense of humor. He told me during my first lesson that he was going to be a bit conservative, and while it was frustrating for me sometimes to have someone be so so so insistent that I play something right, it was also really good. Sometimes I feel that my teachers all see me as a bright student and can tell that I'm working hard so they let things slide sometimes. Not Mr. Shipps. If I'm not playing in tune, he tells me right away and makes it perfectly clear that what I am playing is unacceptable and needs to be fixed, preferably yesterday. It might sound harsh, but I feel this is exactly what I need. I want my teachers to hold me to a very high standard and to not let me slack, even for a moment. If I want to be a professional violinist, I need to play my very best even when I'm not warmed up all the way or if I'm having a bad day.

Next there is František Soucěk, the first violinist of the Zemlinsky Quartet. He is very warm and friendly with an open, easy manner and teaching style. He gave me some really great advice about fixing bad habits in my first lesson which is something like this: Until you learn how to hear and become really annoyed by your habits yourself, you won't fix them. I took the advice a little too much to heart, started noticing an overwhelming number of irritating things about my playing and spent a very frustrating couple of days before I started focusing on only one or two things at a time.

Perhaps the most unique and kinesthetic teacher I have ever had is Jírí Físer from the Prague Conservatory. He really makes sure that you know what the proper motion feels like, either by grabbing your bow and doing the motion while you stay passive or having you put your hand on his while he bows. This has been really effective for me. It has also produced a lot of "Well, why the hell do I do that?" moments for me. There's a picture of us below.

Finally, I also have occasional lessons with Mical Sedlácek, who is a junior faculty member here.

Before I came here I was really worried about the language barrier, but all of my Czech teachers speak very good English. Sometimes I find them easier to understand than some American teachers I've had. Since their English isn't as elaborate as a native speaker's, their explanations are often simpler and more direct.

After my lesson I go back to the dorm to check my email, update my blog, or read for a bit before my afternoon practice session. Then I go back into town for a concert and out to dinner with friends afterwards. Then I practice a bit more, hang out with people, and go to bed.

Being a foreigner for the first time has really opened my eyes and filled me with a great deal of respect and compassion for immigrants and visitors to the United States. I didn't realize just how much understanding I take for granted at home. Have you ever been in a public place in the States where you passed a small group of people chattering away in some foreign language? Maybe you ignored them, or were vaguely annoyed that they weren't smart enough to speak your language. Well, here I am one of those people. The rest of the country isn't uneducated for speaking Czech, I am the idiot foreigner who can't read, write, or speak the country's official language. Ben and I got a newspaper on the way to Prague one day and couldn't read a single word except for the very few cognates. When I walk by people on the street I have no idea what they're saying. I can't read street signs, advertisements, or the "Start" menu on the dorm computer because it's all in Czech. For someone who is as attached to the written and spoken word as I am, it's incredibly frustrating.

At the grocery store yesterday, I was buying bananas and the cashier picked them up, looked for a label, and said something in Czech. I shook my head and told her that I didn't understand, also in Czech. Hey, if I can at least say that I don't understand Czech in Czech that counts for something, right? She handed the bananas to the lady behind me who ran off and came back with a bar code sticker. Apparently you're supposed to weigh your produce and get a sticker for it before you go to the checkout. Oops. I didn't even know how to say "I'm sorry" in Czech!

So, what else is different about the Czech Republic? The historic districts are older than the entire United States. They're also far more beautiful. The men on the streets are bolder and sometimes creepier than American men. People smoke a lot more. Things smell funny. The light switches look different. The electric sockets are different. Traffic laws protect drivers rather than pedestrians so if you're in the middle of the crosswalk when the light changes you have a good chance of dying. Beer is cheaper and easier to get than water.

So yes. I hope I have been able to give you some idea of what living here is like. I am headed to Praha again tomorrow afternoon but will be sadly staying in Plzen on Sunday since Munich plans fell through.

Shopping, Smetana, a Library Better than Beauty and the Beast, the Eiffel Tower, and the Continuation of the Euro Workout

2009-07-14T06:01:00.000-07:00

The second adventure to Praha was just as exciting as the first, although not quite as scary since I actually knew where I was going. I went with four girls from IMAP - Lauren, Melissa, Heather, and Julia. Since I had the Rick Steves guidebook and a general sense of direction I became the unofficial guide. Our first stop was Wencelas Square, which I wrote about last week, but on the way out we walked through a gap in the stores and found ourselves in the Franciscan Garden. As gardens go, it isn't that spectacular, but the calm air of tranquility made it obvious that this is the perfect place for residents of Praha - or harried tourists, for that matter - to stroll along shady garden paths away from the noisy crowd and find a few moments of peace and quiet in the middle of the bustling city.

Our next stop was the busy Havelska Market, a few blocks away from the Old Town Square. It has all sorts of things for sale, from fruit and candy to scarves and boomerangs. We spent quite some time here as we all needed souvenirs and gifts for family back home. I found a beautiful blue cashmere and silk scarf for myself and some other things that I won't mention here because that would spoil the surprise! After dragging everyone away from the market we went back to U Dvou Kocek for lunch. This time there was an old man playing the accordion, which added to the ambience and we all thought was quite nice until we found out there was an extra 30 Kc per person automatically added to the bill since we were there while he was playing.

We wandered through the Old Town Square in time to see the Astronomical Clock strike one, which was just as exciting as it was last week. We then made our way to the Smetana Museum, which is directly to the left of the Charles Bridge and right on the water. Bedřich Smetana lived from 1824 to 1884 and was one of the first composers to establish a purely Czech musical tradition rather than just copying the heavily German-influenced international style. His best known works are the opera (in the Czech language) The Bartered Bride and the work Ma Vlast ("My Father Land") which contains the famous movement about the Moldau. (Musicians refer to these works rather crudely as the Battered Broad and the Moldy). The museum is very small but excellently designed. From the gift shop full of musical paraphenalia on the first floor, you go up a flight of stairs to the museum itself, which is one large room. There are four "rooms" within the room although there are no doors or even obvious doorways separating them. The walls are covered with both originals and copies of his letters and manuscripts as well as portraits of Bedřich Smetana himself and his family. The first room has a wood floor and a glass case containing his spectacles and his wife's garnet jewelry. The next section is an oval room with white walls and a blue ceiling and carpet. There are cushioned benches in fron tof the modern grand piano. I believe they hold concerts here. A large rectangular alcove off the side of the oval holds memorabilia and information about the choir he directed. Between the oval room and a large, square room on the far side of the museum is the piano Smetana himself owned. This part of the museum has several sturdy music stands placed throughout the room. Each has a laminated booklet, each of which is devoted to one of his famous works. A large podium with two steps leading up to it is in the corner of the room. You climb the podium and pick up the heavy wood baton, which is actually a laser pointer. You use it to point at the black boxes attached to the music stands to select a piece of music and then your selection plays. It's quite fun. Let me just say that standing on that podium, in the Smetana Museum and listneing to a recording of the Czech Philharmonic play Ma Vlast is a really, really cool experience.
Me and the Smetana Museum (the building to the right).

We then took a slight detour to an antiques market which had an admission fee. Lauren and Heather went in, but the rest of us stayed outside and waited, wanting to save money before we made our way across the Charles Bridge. We then took the tram up the hill past the castle to the Strahov Monastery.

The monastery is a series of white buildings with the terra cotta roofs we are so familiar with by now. There are three areas one can visit at the monastery - the gallery (which we didn't see), the main church, and the library.
The church is stunning, like every other church I have seen since being in Europe. The ceiling is cream and has several paintings...like orderly islands of religious paintings in the vast sea of the ceiling. Ornamentation (there is nothing plain in any of these buildings) in gold twists elegantly between the paintings. The altar is what I believe is called a baroque altar and is a gorgeous work of art. The walls are a pale, delicate pink. Each pew is a masterwork in itself, since the sides of each are very intricately carved.

All right. Perhaps my favorite thing that I have seen on this entire trip. To put it bluntly, this library makes the Library of Congress look a little plain. You go to the ticket counter and buy your ticket and the rights to take photos inside, then climb the stairs to the gift shop which has some beautifully illuminated manuscripts on display. Another few steps takes you to a corridor full of wood cabinets with glass windows and doors that contain seashells, bones, fossils, and taxidermied animals.

Before I tell you what it looks like, let me attempt to describe what it feels like.

It is a very particular combination of feelings. Firstly, if you have ever visited any monastery or a particularly old church, you are familiar with the sense of peace and profound silence and an air of reverent contemplation that is unique to these places. Take this feeling and now add the scholarly quiet of a university library. Not a public library - those are as much community center as a place for learning. A university library, however, has a certain focused quiet that comes from the presence, over years, of several thousand minds absorbing knowledge. Next, imagine the rather distinctive smell of old books that is so addicting to book lovers. Finally, add a certain weight to the air that is found only in places that are incredibly old and have their own histories.

With that feeling in mind, add the sense of incredible awe you feel when you see a place of such extreme majesty and beauty that you know you can't possibly take it all in.

Now, we're ready to take a look. Think of the most beautiful library you haev ever seen. Now double the beauty. Double it again. There. You are perhaps a fraction of the way to comprehending the gorgeousness that is the room known as the Philosophical hall. It is two stories tall, the second story reached by a staircase not in the room. There is a carved dark wood railing going around the second floor. There are floor to ceiling bookshelves (my personal dream for my own house...), all made of gleaming, dark reddish wood and ornamented (of course) with gold designs and patterns. The place is lit by lamps hanging from under the railing. All of this is lovely in itself, but I haven't yet told you about the ceiling. It is painted from a perspective so that it looks like an extension of the room, like the room just opens to the sky. Around the very edges of the ceiling is painted a vast gathering of people - perhaps ancient philosophers or religious figures all in front of an open ceilinged building of colums and an altar. Rising from the altar is a pillar of cloud, or smoke, or fire - or all three, perhaps, and in this pillar are angels and cherubs and a figure that I think is Mary holding the Cross. The rest of the ceiling is blue sky with clouds and angelic beings flying about. All this in one room, along with books taht are beautiful in the way only incredibly old, hand-bound books can be. Let me conclude by saying that this room surpasses the library from Beauty and the Beast on my list of all time favorite libraries. If you know how I feel about B&B, then you know how big of a statement that is.

Since a picture is worth a thousand words...

Once you tear your eyes away from this marvelous sight, you face a long, much more simply decorated hall with plain bookshelves. The books on these shelves are so old that all color or decoration on the covers and spines has long since faded and even the titles are hard to make out. Also in this hall are glass cases full of curiosities such as a model ship and a machine designed to produce static electricity.

At the end fo the hall is a lone book displayed in a glass case. I think it was a Bible, and the cover was red and covered in jewels. Above this case on the ceiling was a single illuminated painting of a dove, most likely representing the Holy Spirit.

You turn right and look through another doorway into the Theological Hall. This room of the library is smaller than the Philosophical Hall, only one story, but just as beautiful. The ceiling is arched and again there are floor to ceiling bookshelves. The cream colored ceiling has beautiful paintings surrounded by intricate vines and other swirly designs. Four large ancient globes are in a line on each side of the room (eight total) and smaller desks hold beautiful books open for display. I do not think there is a single thing in the room that is not beautiful.

We left the library feeling much revived and energized, our book lover's spirits thoroughly revived.

Our next goal was Petrin Hill, which rises above the castle. We climbed a very long uphill road that took us up gradually as we walked along a wall that seemed to be part of some medieval fortification. After a long walk uphill we came to Petrin Tower, which is a 1/5 scale model of the Eiffel Tower. How funny that when Ben was in Paris for his layover I was climbing a mini Eiffel Tower. Julia and I climbed the spiral twisting staircase to the top. There were 299 stairs. Julia counted. The European Stairmaster strikes again...my legs have finally stopped hurting, a couple days later.

The view from the top, however, was incredible and well worth the climb. We were up above the castle so we could see the castle complex with the Little Quarter below it, the Charles Bridge spanning the Vltava River and the entire city of Prague. We climbed all 299 stairs down and found a faster way down Petrin Hill. However, faster also meant steeper. More stairs. Extremely steep stairs. I don't think I've ever seen so many stairs in my life. It took us nearly 45 mins to descend. We somehow found ourselves in the diplomatic area of the town and walked by the German and Italian embassies. We walked through St. Nicholas Square and started looking for a place to eat and ended up at a touristy cafe pizza bar where the service was incredibly rude and the decor was incredibly trippy. It was located downstairs below street level and basically resembled some fantasy cave. The walls looked like rock and had stalactites coming from the ceiling with shimmery colored glitter all over it. There were paintings of sort of surreal fantasy art on the walls and the whole thing was a little weird. Definitely not a place to do absinth. The waiter got so mad at the end when we requested to pay separately ("One table one check") and we ended up just splitting it among all of us.

Okay, that's the end of this post! Off to practice!

Tension, Unexpected Perceptions, Surrealist Art and the Green Fairy

2009-07-13T01:07:00.000-07:00

Okay. At long long last I will endeavor to fill you in on the goings-on of Week 2 here at IMAP. Right now, my cold is much improved even though my voice makes me sound either like a man or like a lifelong chain smoker. My legs, however, are reminding me that they are not very fond of this whole European trip walking thing and beg me to buy better walking shoes for our next trip. That is all to come in a later post though, since I'm already so far behind.

Firstly, improvisation classes are so much fun! They are for an hour in the evenings and we have learned three short fiddle tunes: two jigs and something called the Fox Hunter's Reel. We have also put together an arrangement of the Jackson Five's "I Want You Back." I still don't know the lyrics at all but it's really fun. Brad is a really cool guy and really knows his stuff. I wish I had these classes before our last Coniglio family gathering - I'm SO much better at learning by ear and following (admittedly basic) chord progressions. We'll be performing on the concert Tuesday night. Jeremy Kittel, the violist from the Turtle Island String Quartet (look these guys up if you don't know them - they're amazing), is arriving today and will be taking over the improv classes for this week. I believe he and Brad will be putting together a thing for the concert Tuesday night as well. That's bound to be amazing. I might splurge and buy a dvd of that one.

Last week was also the last week of my quartet. We had two coachings with Jiri Zigmund, who is an amazing violist and coach and also quite the character. As he explained it, music makes him very, very excited and sometimes this makes him act like he wants to kill the people he is coaching if they don't play properly. I am slightly proud of the fact that despite I was the second violinist in our quartet I was not told once to play louder. In fact, I was told to be quieter on a few occasions. The end of quartet was very anticlimatic...we weren't able to perform on a concert and Zigmund (or Ziggy as some people call him) gave us a very stern talking to about how to prepare music. He asked if we had listened to recordings (we had) and if we had practiced our parts before arriving here (we had) and then he shook his head and asked why we didn't play better.

Now, those of you taking the time out of your lives to read this know that I am an incredibly responsible person. Teachers have loved me since I started going to school, sometimes without me doing anything to deserve it and even when I despise their teaching and their classes. So, this is the first time in my life where I have been viewed as an unprepared, lazy student. For whatever reason, my violin playing does not reflect preparation. It gives the impression that I am an incredibly tense, incautious, and sloppy player. If you are denying this and thinking "But Claire plays beautifully," this is what I have been told my entire life. However four violin teachers and my chamber coach last week - FIVE incredibly talented and experienced professional musicians accustomed to a very high level of playing - pointed out several key flaws in the way I play violin. I won't bore you with the details, but I'll give you a couple examples. Firstly, I have my weight on the balls of my feet when I play rather than centered (as in Mountain pose in yoga). Secondly, I clench my teeth and clamp down on the violin with my neck. Thirdly, my bow has the unfortunate tendency of speeding up and creating an awkward accent when I am preparing to change bows. Fourth(ly?), my intonation is not what it should be. People have lost auditions before for playing three notes out of tune, as Mr. Shipps told me this morning. Let us just say that I play significantly more than three notes out of tune when I play a piece of music.

All these revelations don't make me particularly upset; in fact, I am glad for the nitpicking because this is what needs to happen to get me to the next level of playing. If anything, I am a little puzzled and confused since, as I previously stated, I am used to teachers recognizing my better qualities and focusing on those. Then again, being an intelligent, responsible, and organized person doesn't necessarily translate into the ability to play the violin well. It's an entirely new sensation to not be at the top of anything. I'm actually at the bottom of the middle here in terms of ability. I'm not sure I care for it, and since quartet is over now the next two weeks are going to be devoted to some very, very careful practicing.

There are three concerts of student/faculty performances a week here and they are all amazing. Some of the concerts are at Masne Kramy, an art gallery perhaps a ten minute walk from the Konzervatory. The concerts are held in a very long narrow hall with white walls. There are two rows of slightly arched windows; the bottom for art and the top as actual windows. The ceiling is made of dark wood and is just flat across the top. The other concerts are held in the Muzeum, which is the local art gallery. It is, in a word, beautiful. The most notable performance this last week was a performance of Shostakovich's String Quartet No. 8 in c minor. The violinists in the quartet were from the Cleveland Institute of Music and the cellist was from Northwestern University. The violist was a faculty member, Marjorie Bagley. How to describe this piece? It is hauntingly beautiful with an air of hopelessness about it with outbursts of anger and other strong emotions. They played it perfectly. Everything was in place. Everything was in tune. The spirit was there. I couldn't breathe for a full three seconds after they finished. It was just incredible.

As I mentioned before, I had four lessons last week. It was pretty intense. My head is full of lots of different ideas and my body is trying to learn so many new tricks at once that it is utterly confused. I have to pick and choose which habits I'm going to work on in a practice session in order to get anything done. Thanks to Burton and his Technique of Selective Inattention! :-)

Saturday was Ben's last day here and his 22nd birthday! We tried to visit a ruined castle outside the city limits but after finding out we could only take the tram halfway there and would then be faced with a 90 minute walk we decided against it. Instead, we went to the Muzeum and saw an exhibit of Salvador Dali's work. My favorite was the series of small paintings he did on Dante's Divine Comedy. His depictions of Hell were, as one would expect, incredibly surreal and not a little disturbing. To the contrary, the softer edges of his paintings of Paradise were quite beautiful. I never thought I would see his work in Plzen, of all places!

After the Muzeum we went to Husa for dinner and I ordered a strawberry daquiri and bought Ben a drink called the Hurricane - (a) because it was his birthday and (b) because it's pretty cool to be able to order alcohol without getting carded. I'm pretty sure that once I turn 21 I will be carded for at least the next 10 years in the States. After we ate, Ben decided to try absinthe. If you are unfamiliar with absinthe, please read here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absinthe As you can see, absinthe is called "The Green Fairy." It only became legal in the States two or three years ago, so it is a popular drink to try when travelers come to Europe. It is also legal in higher proofs here than in the US. I believe it's about 70 proof here. Ben, you can correct me if I am wrong. So, because it was his birthday and his last night in the Czech Republic, he ordered a shot of absinthe. It arrived in a shot glass, a cool green liquor, with a bowl of sugar and a box of matches. Green - one of Ben's favorite colors. Matches - well, we all know Ben has a fondness for fire. Drinking absinthe is accomplished by dipping a spoonful of sugar into the alcohol, lighting the spoon until the sugar carmelizes, and then mixing it in with the drink. You then drink it and wait to feel the effects. Ben said it was the strongest drink he's ever had and couldn't feel his legs (although he could still walk, luckily) back to the tram. Compared to some absinthe stories I've heard, I think Ben managed it pretty well although he might tell you differently. ;-)

All right. I think I've FINALLY got you up to date. Well, I did go to Praha yesterday but I'm still collecting my thoughts and memories from that. Another post to come soon, I hope.

A Temporary Post...

2009-07-11T12:53:00.000-07:00

This, dear readers (I'm not sure how many of you there actually are since very few of you have blogger accounts to comment), is not a very exciting post.

I should also preface this by saying that I have had a cold for the last three days and that it is nearly my bedtime so if I don't make complete sense this is why.

My cold is the main reason I haven't been blogging.

It's also why I haven't been practicing much...

...which is one of the reasons I feel like absolute crap.

So, I'm writing basically to say that I'm sorry I haven't been writing and that I will do my best to get you updated this coming week.

Ben is headed home tomorrow...this means an inordinate amount of crying is in the extremely near future for me. It also means I'll be spending more time practicing and (hopefully) blogging/writing.

Anyway, that's what I have to say right now. Things to look forward to in future posts...

- reports on amazing, amazing concerts
- how it feels to be seen as an unprepared, lazy student for the first time in my life since I started any type of school
- my second trip into Praha
- four lessons with as many different teachers in a week
- Salvador Dali in Plzen
- ordering my first legal mixed drink
- Ben's experiment with absinth.

Also,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

which means that I also must say,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SARAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (even though I have no idea if you read this.)

Good night!

A House Without a Foundation and Michael Jackson

2009-07-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

I had a lesson with Jiri Fiser of the Prague Conservatory and it was one of the best lessons on tension I've ever had in my life. It was very very detailed. Unfortunately, it ended with him saying something like this: "If playing the violin is like a house, then you have a house but the foundation shakes a lot." I know this. I've tried to persuade teachers to help me fix this for years. But I keep getting handed more and more music to learn without people truly insisting that I fix my tension problems. I've had FIVE teachers now in the last two months comment on them. Five. I hope in the next three weeks I can really truly fix it. I'm pretty frustrated right now...

Anyway, this week Dounis classes are over but we now have improvisation classes in the evenings with Bradley Phillips. It's pretty great. I'm better at learning by ear than I thought I would be, and picked up the "Fox Hunter's Reel" more quickly than expected. Tonight we started learning "I Want You Back" from the Jackson Five. So, here's something you wouldn't expect Claire Allen to do - learn a song BY EAR, and improvise/play a rocking bass line to Michael Jackson.

There's a possiblity we might be getting the Mendelssohn Octet together...

I'll leave you with a happy little image from this evening. Picture the streets of Plzen, with trees, cobblestones, and gorgeous buildings. It's cloudy, with light rain, and is twilight. A young couple hurries laughing through the rain with their arms around each other, happy despite the rain to be together in Europe. This was me and Ben earlier tonight. :-)

Europe: The Ultimate Stairmaster. Or, the trip to Praha.

2009-07-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

Ben and I went to Praha yesterday (Sunday) on our day off. Figuring out how to get there was a bit unorganized but we managed it - we had to find the Plzen bus station, which is in the shadiest part of town and we didn't get there early enough to get tickets for the 8 am bus so we had to get tickets for the 10 am bus. We were lucky enough to run into Ondrej, the cellist from our quartet, who was also on the 10 am bus. Since he lives in Praha we were very happy to be traveling with him. The hour long bus ride took us to Zlicin, which is about a 25 minute metro ride from down town. It is the last stop on the B Line. For 100 Kc (about $5) we got an all-day metro pass that let us use the trams and the trains as much as we wanted.

I'll take a moment to describe the Praha metro. It is wonderful, clean, attractive, fast, and very easy to use. We had Ondrej to guide us and very explicit instructions from Rick (more on him in a second) but we could have figured it out for ourselves. As someone who has experienced most of the major public transportation systems in the United States - Chicago's L, Boston's T, Cleveland's RTA, NYC's fabled subway system, and of course the DC metro - I have to say that Praha's might be my favorite. The only edges it has over Dc are the cheaper prices and the above ground trams.

A word about Rick - I purchased Rick Steves' guide to Prague before I came here and it was invaluable. We referred to it so much during our trip to Praha that I started calling him by first name. "Rick says not to bother with this part of the tour." "Rick suggests eating here." "Let's see what Rick has to say..." So, when I mention Rick, that's what I mean.

Back to our narrative. We exited the metro at the Mustek stop, which took us right to Wencelas Square (Vaclavske Namesti in Czech). Praha is divided into five sections - New Town, Old Town, Jewish Quarter, Castle Quarter, and Little Quarter. Wencelas Square is the heart of the New Town - which, as one might expect, is the more modern part of the city. It reminds me of New York City somewhat, but cleaner, better air, shorter buildings, and no English. I was rather dismayed to see Starbucks and McDonalds. Apparently they are taking over the world...
Anyway. Vaclavske Namesti is actually more of a rectangle than a square - albeit a very large rectangle that leads to an imposing statue of King Wencelas himself in front of the beautiful National Museum. It's the same concept as the Mall leading to the Capitol in DC. Ondrej left us there to go to his apartment and we made our way down the square and into the Old Town. We then wandered the twisty, beautiful, and somewhat crowded streets until we finally found our way to the Old Town Square. It was so crowded but completely amazing. The first major sight we saw was the Astronomical Clock which is on the side of the Old Town Hall. The clock is so complex that I couldn't even tell all the different kinds of time it was telling. We had the good fortune to arrive in the square just before the top of the hour so we got to witness what happens when the clock strikes the hour. The skeleton representing Death tips his hourglass and statues of the saints go past the windows above the clock. We then made our way around the rest of the square. I was in a constant state of awe and wonder for most of the day. The square was filled with people and there was a small jazz combo consisting of drums, clarinet, banjo, and a singer playing in the center of the square. They were actually quite good! All the buildings on the square are so incredibly beautiful. I don't even have words to describe it. You'll have to wait until I can put up pictures. We took Rick's suggestion for lunch and went to a place outside the square, away from the major touristy areas. It's called "Plzenska Restaurace u Dvou Kocek," or "By the Two Cats."I had their signature dish, Two Cats Goulash with Bacon and Potato Dumplings. It was the best meal I've eaten since getting here. I had never had goulash before in my life and didn't really know what it was. It turns out to be a savory beef stew with the meat so tender it melts in the mouth. The dumplings weren't dumplings in the way Americans think of them - they were pieces of soft, chewy bread about the size of my palm and were used to mop up the goulash broth. We also had delicious apple strudel for dessert.

After being fortified by food we wandered through the Havelska Market and several tourist souvenir shops on our way to the Charles Bridge (Karluv Most in Czech), which was the most crowded area we had encountered yet. The sheer grandeur of the bridge and the castle on the hill on the other side of the river took my breath away. The bridge spread before us, a sea of tourists, street vendors, and majestic statues depicting famous saints, historic figures, and scenes from the life of Jesus. At the center of the bridge are two statues facing each other - one of Jesus on the cross and Mary holding her Son's body in her arms, a Pieta.

Once we crossed the bridge, we found oruselves in the Little Quarter and ducked into a tourist shop so I could buy Ben his birthday present - a t-shirt with the picture of a chess piece that said "Czech-mate." A reference to chess + a bad pun = perfect for Ben. ;-) We then hopped on the tram for a ride up the hill to the castle. We got off the tram a stop early in order to walk through the Royal gardens up to the castle. The gardens were lovely, cool, shady, and relatively uncrowded - a relief after the hot, crowded bridge. There were also some breathtaking views of the city across the river. We made our way to the castle, bought our tickets and audioguides, walked through the archway to the main grounds of the castle...and stopped, frozen in awe as St. Vitus Cathedral loomed over us.

I didn't take the above picture; I stole it from a Prague tourism website but I wanted you to see what it looks like. This is, without a doubt, the most impressive church I have ever seen in my life. Barely having recovered from seeing the exterior, we walked inside and were hit with another wave of awe. The cavernous vaulted roof stretched up above us for - I don't know how many stories.

The sides of the church are filled with smaller chapels that hold relics of saints, the remains and effigies of Czech rulers and archbishops. All have incredibly gorgeous stained glass windows and decorated walls. I could spend hours trying describing every detail of the cathedral but I couldn't even take them in when I was there, let alone come up with words for it. I'll endeavor to cover some of the highlights. The gigantic rosewindow above the front door is one of the most amazing stained glass windows I have seen - a creation of sheer majestic beauty. No organ in any concert hall I have been in comes anywhere close to the St. Vitus organ. The massive pipes are heavily ornamented and, given the size of the place, must resonate for hours after the organist stops playing. The tomb of St. John, a martyr who was tortured to death for his faith and had his body thrown from the bridge into the river, is a marvelous creation of marble and silver behind the main altar of the church. The most significant chapel in the church is the Chapel of St. Wencelas. It holds the remains of St. Wencelas, has wallpaper encrusted with jewels, and has a vault containing the crown jewels (which I didn't get to see). The Czechs believe that St. Wencelas is the true ruler of their country and that all subsequent rulers only borrow their power from him.

After the cathedral, we went to the Old Royal Palace, which almost seemed plain compared to the cathedral. There was a big hall where royal audiences, dances, jousts, and other things were held. We also saw the throne room where the King used to meet with his advisors. Going out a side door to a balcony revealed an amazing, amazing, wonderful view of the city from the castle. There are pictures which have not been uploaded yet. :-( Updates to come after Ben goes home and sends me his pictures.

We then went to the Basilica of St. George - that is, St. George of St. George and the Dragon. It was one of the oldest buildings we saw and had a definite aura of age in it. We then went to the Golden Lane, which is an ADORABLE shopping street. There are small houses on one side that now have shops in them. The author Franz Kafka used to live on this street - in fact, you can buy Kafka books in the house where he wrote them. If I were a Kafka fan and did not have to carry a lot of things home, then I would definitely have bought one. As it was, I did buy a christmas ornament from the castle. My family has a tradition where we buy Christmas ornaments when we travel so that when we decorate our tree in December we can remember all the trips we've taken. :-) I also bought lots of postcards to decorate my apartment with come fall.

After this, our feet were very very very tired after walking across the city, up stairs and hills...so we took the tram and then the train back to the bus station and made our way home. So ends the saga of our trip to Praha.

St. Bartholomew's Tower, Plzen, and Concerts...

2009-07-06T06:06:00.000-07:00

How does one even begin to describe the quality of playing I heard at the concert Friday night? To say it was perfect is too simple. It was...everything music should be and more. Neither of those phrases captures the absolute captivating quality of the music, the total state of shock I was in as these incredible musicians played. I was mesmerized by the musicality and the sheer technical perfection and ease. My concept of playing the violin as compared to these people is so primitive...it's like comparing a stick scratching in the dirt with an elegant calligraphy pen and parchment. A pianist working toward her doctorate played an incredible Beethoven sonata, and then Josef Spacek, another student here, played the Bach Chaconne and Ysaye Third Sonata. He just graduated from Curtis and won an international violin competition. Oh. My. God. I don't have words. If I could play the violin that well my life might be pretty close to being fulfilled.

Okay, let's talk more about Plzen. Ben and I had lunch at the Cross Cafe, which we speculate is some sort of European chain - sort of like their version of Starbucks, but in Czech, much cheaper, and with alcohol. It was raining while we ate lunch but it stopped just in time for our trip to the top of St. Bartholomew Cathedral. As I've mentioned already, this is the church in Plzen and the tower is the best place to get a view of the city. Climbing the tower is accomplished by climbing a series of rather intimidating and scary-looking stairs.

A winding spiral staircase takes you from the street level to a tiny gift shop where you buy your ticket - 20 Kc or $1. A series of straight but increasingly narrow and steep stairs takes you up to the next level where the bells are housed. Even narrower, smaller, and steeper stairs take you past the mechanism for the tower clock and up to the top. You emerge into the upper square room gasping for breath and thanking St. Bartholomew you are alive, with burning leg muscles..and then you step onto the screened in balcony and forget all of this at the site of Plzen spread before you. "Welcome to Europe," as Ben said. In the distance we could see our dormitory and the surrounding buildings - modern, unassuming, bland buildings - but downtown Plzen was directly below and around us in a glory of old world Europe. The view was simply breathtaking. The roofs are mainly tiled and terra cottacolored and the baroque/gothic architecture are gorgeous.

As beautiful as Plzen is, though, it doesn't hold a candle to Praha (what the Czechs call their capital), where we went yesterday...

Pictures!

2009-07-04T07:43:00.000-07:00

One of the many side streets in Plzen.

The cross outside St. Bartholomew's Cathedral.

These pictures were taken from the tower of St. Bartholomew's Cathedral in the center of town.

Below is the view from my dorm room window.

Here's a picture of my room.

Sorry for the poor organization...I'll try to get more later. :-)

Dounis, Intonation, Frustration, and Pilsner

2009-07-03T08:12:00.000-07:00

We had our second Dounis masterlass this morning, all on left hand stuff. Mr. Straus explained how unless you have ridiculously small hands you have no excuse not to make any stretch on the violin as long as you are set up properly. He then demonstrated all these really intense stretching exercises. At the end he gave us a preview of what Dounis bow technique is like. He was showing how to bounce the bow on the string using only the pinky and kept his hand so still he was able to balance a film canister on it while he did it. Then he proceeded to play the string crossy part of the Mendelssohn concerto cadenza (violinists, you know what I'm talking about) with the bow backwards. Then he did it just holding on to the screw of the bow. "See? I'm not doing anything and the bow is bouncing!" I'm pretty sure my jaw spent most of the masterclass on the floor and my eyes would have popped out if they opened any wider. This guy is 70 and has this incredible technique. It's just amazing. Everything is so easy for him. I've started practicing the Dounis Daily Dozen and I think I understand the left hand stuff much easier than the right hand. I might need more lessons on right hand before I can really understand it. It's a really great way to get your body and your mind warmed up, since all these Dounis exercises require quite a bit of thought to accomplish correctly.

Let's talk about intonation. Non-musicians, you'll probably find this really boring and I won't be offended at all if you skip to the next paragraph. I'll give a mini-explanation though, in case you want to read. Okay. Playing in tune on a stringed instrument is one of the hardest things in the world to do. There are no frets on our fingerboard and there is exactly ONE spot on the fingerboard about half a millimeter wide to play each note. If the same note comes back often in a passage, you have to hit exactly the same spot every time. I sort of generally play in tune. Which is to say, my fingers mostly go in the right places and the notes I play are recognizable as being "in tune." However, real, professional intonation is a whole different ballgame and that's what one of my teachers is working on with me. After that lesson on Monday I thought "Okay, so I'll play it slow a few times and it'll get better. No problem." I've been working on it, and it's getting better. A different teacher yesterday pointed out some stuff too and mentioned that in order for me to really truly change my bad habits I have to learn to hear them for myself and they need to annoy me. And the masterclasses have been talking about the angle at which the finger makes contact with the string. Generally speaking, the angles of all your fingers should match in order for the intonation to be consistent. Well. A combination of all those things made its way into my practice room today and I am exceedingly annoyed with the inconsistent angles my fingers make on the fingerboard - not only that, but I'm listening differently and really can't believe I let myself get away with such sloppy intonation for so long.

I'm pretty frustrated with myself for letting my habits persist this long. It's nice because no one here knows my past so they don't let me get off easy or make excuses. It's simply "I'm sorry. It's wrong. Play it like this." And I fix it. And it sounds better. I know I'm not a bad student but sometimes I wonder if I have just been messing up for so many years since all these habits should really have been broken years ago. I just don't understand.

Anyway, back to the happy travel writing which is what all of you read this for instead of musician-angst. Last night we had a faculty recital in an art gallery in downtown Plzen. Plzen is a city of 167,000 people. The suburbs are apartment buildings with very Soviet/communist architecture and houses, but the city center has architecture dating earlier than the United States. From the downtown tram stop it's a 2 minute walk to the Konzervatory where classes are. A central park runs several blocks through the city with fountains, flowers, benches, and statues of famous people such as the composer Bedrich Smetana. There are gelato places everywhere (curse my dairy allergies!) and lots of cafes, restaurants, and bars. The bar/music club seems to be a popular venue here. Last night five of us ate at the oldest pub in Plzen which I unfortunately do not remember the name of (and couldn't even spell if I did). We were in luck since Ondrej, the cellist in my quartet, was with us and is a native Czech speaker. It made things go much smoother at the restaurant. I ordered my second Pilsner of the trip and made it through about half of it. I don't think I'll ever grow to enjoy the taste of beer, but ordering one seems like the most natural thing to do here. It's cheaper than water, anyway. There are a lot of differences between Czech restaurants and American restaurants - the first one being the water. In the USA you practically are drowned with water, which is free, and you have constant refills. Here water is expensive and you just get one bottle of it. The second big difference is the timing. Good service here is never rushed, which means you need to take extra time for your meal. Luckily, we've discovered good sandwich places that are super fast when we're in a hurry. The very center of Plzen (by the way, forgive me if I'm repeating myself from earlier posts...this is all stream-of-consciousness and I don't remember what I've written and what I haven't) is a massive town square and in the middle of the square is St. Bartholomew's Cathedral. I still haven't climbed the tower but I plan to very soon.

I think this is a good place to stop for now. I'll wait a few days to write again so I have something more significant (like a trip to Prague, maybe :-) ) to write about.

Bye!

Settled in?

2009-07-02T02:39:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!
It's hard to believe that I've only been here a few days as I am already in something resembling a routine. My quartet has been rehearsing every day. I am the only girl in the quartet - Ondrej (pronounced something like Andre...since he's so tall I mentally call him Andre the Giant) is our cellist, Ben (who most of you know or know of, since he's my boyfriend!) is our violist, and Alex is our first violinist. Alex is actually from my hometown so we bonded over our mutual love for the "George Bush Center for Intelligence" sign. We're playing Dvorak's American Quartet which is slowly taking shape. We need to contact our second coach to schedule coachings...:-/ Things are very much a do-it-yourself organization here. There is a bulletin board with a lot of information and you are responsible for checking it and making sure you are where you need to be on time as well as deciphering the teachers' handwriting and codes. For example "D96" means my quartet since we're playing Dvorak's Op. 96. It's pretty confusing.

I've gotten really used to taking the tram downtown. The tram stops right outside our dorm and it is a 15-30 min ride into town, depending on how long it takes to get around the construction. It's generally around 20 mins and not too bad. If I lean out my window (carefully) I can see downtown and it's pretty cool. I also found some great sandwich places near the Konzervatory ( I cannot for the life of me bear to call it "the Con") where I can get lunch for only 49 Kc. The currency here is the corona, or the crown, abbreviated Kc. One United States dollar is equivalent to approximately 20 Kc. There are coins for 1, 2, 5, 10, 20, and 50 Kc and paper money for units of 100, 200, 500, and 1000 Kc (at least as far as I have seen.) Now that I'm more or less adjusted to the time difference the conversion is much easier for me to make. Things are pretty cheap here if you know where to look...my sandwich, therefore, was about $2.50. And the dorm, well...it was built during the communist era but I'm more used to it now so that's all good.

The Konzervatory is also pretty basic in structure. The paint tends to rub off the walls which I didn't realize until after I leaned my violin case on it and got it covered in dry paint. Gag. I hope it comes off. I've had two more violin lessons since I last wrote...one with Michal Sedlacek who is an assistant teacher and who took me to task on my Beethoven sonata. The other one was just an hour or so ago, with Frantisek Soucek, the first violinist of the Zemlinsky quartet. He is amazing. He found all my bad habits in the course of the lesson. I suppose I'm happy that I've gotten to a point in my playing where I'm hearing the same things from just about every teacher I go to - my intonation needs a lot more careful attention, my bow tends to speed up before I make bow changes, I take bow pressure off when I shift and when I change strings, both hands tend to be far too tight and grab too much...I've had these problems for so long and I really wish I'd had the self-discipline or one of my home teachers had the insistence to force me to fix them. We'll see how far I get in my four weeks here. I learn fast. One thing that has not changed is that I am a good student - show me the right way to learn something and I'll fix it quickly and apply it to other similar passages.

Tonight is the first concert of the festival - starting next week we will have four concerts a week as students get things up to scratch. I think faculty are playing tonight.

One thing is for certain though - I have never been around so many absolutely fantastic players in my life. I'm not even sure I belong here and I definitely understand why I have been called unpolished and behind for so many years.

So that's the news from Plzen today. I am off to make a sandwich and practice (of course!).

My First Trans-Atlantic Flight and Plzen

2009-06-30T00:32:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!
As you can see, I made it alive and well to the Czech Republic. It is so amazing to me that I am on another continent, in Europe, which has been my holy grail for so long...

There's not too much to tell about the plane trip except that I got mysteriously upgraded to first class on the flight from JFK to Prague! It was pretty fantastic. The food was great, there was so much legroom and the seats reclined all the way. Very wonderful. My seatmate's name was Veronika, who was returning home to the CR after ten months studying abroad in Oregon.

The day we traveled was pretty much the longest day of my life to date. I slept very badly on the plane and then had to wait in the airport for over an hour and take a 90 min bus ride to Plzen. We checked into the dorm and then had over eight hours to kill before orientation at 8 pm. So. My dorm is definitely not as glamorous as I expected. I'm not sure what I expected, but the architecture is definitely...shall I say, Soviet influenced? It's very very institutional and looks a little sketchy, especially at night since the staff turns off most hallway lights. Walking around the building at night (which I try to avoid) is pretty scary. My room is HUGE, though. It has three beds in it, so it must function as a triple during the normal school year. I share a bathroom with one person down the hall. The bathroom situation is interesting in that there are actually three. A room with a sink, a room with a toilet, and a room with a detached showerhead. The shower isn't mounted on the wall at all so you have to hold the shower with one hand and try to wash your hair or whatever with the other. It's...interesting. I definitely miss American plumbing!

I didn't remember the PIN for my new debit card and switched a couple of the numbers around when I tried to withdraw money at an airport ATM...consequently my bank blocked the card. I didn't realize the block until I went to a Czech grocery store with some people and the card was declined. Luckily Ben was there so I borrowed money from him. The grocery store was probably my scariest experience yet since it was the first place I went, I was incredibly tired, didn't understand the currency or a single sign posted in the store and my card didn't work...luckily I called the bank and that is all cleared up now.

The dorm is maybe 20 minutes away from downtown Plzen by tram, but the Konzervatory is downtown so we take the tram in for lessons and classes. Downtown Plzen is much more what I imagined Europe was like (as compared to the dorm neighborhood). The streets are brick/stone and all the buildings are absolutely gorgeous. Some have very intricate designs on them. I saw St. Bartholomew's Cathedral which is in the center of the main piazza of the town. The Konzervatory is a yellow building with a massive front door that has a handle about the height of my head. That's not intimidating at all...;-) There is a park running down the center of the city right outside the Konzervatory with lovely grass and flowers and fountains. There's also a photographic exhibition a few blocks down from the Konzervatory called "Alive" which looks like a series of enlarged National Geographic pictures of animals.

The food here is pretty good so far. The program hasn't given us any information on what restaurants to go to or anything so it's basically a matter of walking around town, picking a restaurant, and praying someone inside speaks English. I ordered my first legal alcoholic drink last night, a Pilsner Urquell. The glass was huge; at least a pint. I only drank about a quarter of it. It was pretty anticlimatic, I must say. No one asked for my ID or thought it was strange I was ordering a beer at all.

Musically, there are a wide range of abilities here. I think I fall somewhere in the middle, but I haven't heard a lot of people play so I don't know for sure. I had my first lesson yesterday with Mr. Shipps from the University of Michigan. It was pretty good. Not super life-changing or anything I didn't sort of know - basically, I don't play in tune and my Mendelssohn concerto reflects that so I need to fix it. We talked about some ways to work on it but the bottom line is that I just need to pay more attention when I practice. BUT he didn't say anything at all about my phrasing or bow distribution which is what Burton and I worked so hard on so it's not as much of a problem anymore, I think!

My quartet consists of three guys and me. We're doing the Dvorak American Quartet. It's going okay, but I confess that I miss my school quartet, the D'Artagnan Love Quartet. :-)

Well, I had better get back to practicing...I have an extra lesson scheduled this afternoon with Mr. Sedlacek (sp?) who is an assistant faculty member. I'm supposed to go over the Beethoven sonata with him in preparation for putting it with a pianist. Might as well hit the ground running, I suppose.

Also, I've met people that know the violist in my quartet from school and several who know my friend Sophie from the Farm (not surprising as there are lots of people from U Michigan here). It's a small world...

Everything still feels pretty surreal. I'm more or less adjusted to the time change. It's definitely not as musically magical as the Farm but I still feel like I'm going to make a lot of progress here. Yay!

Departure

2009-06-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

Here we are. In 24 hours I will hopefully be most of the way to the Czech Republic, hopefully asleep. Or dead somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean...Okay, I'm trying to stay positive here. I've just been in a mild state of panic all day. I am mostly packed. I have one suitcase, a backpack, my purse, and my violin case. I am hoping that excessive amounts of herbal tea will make it possible for me to sleep tonight. Just a little anxiety about my first trans-Atlantic flight...:-/

Say some prayers to St. Christopher (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._Christopher#General_patronage) for me and Ben for safe travels...

Meet Fred

2009-06-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

This is Fred. I got Fred as a freebie gift at the Nationals game tonight. It was pretty awesome, actually. Mom got free tickets through Boston business contacts at work - we were in one of the club suites with loads of free food, free Boston Red Sox lanyards, these cute little lobsters, and free Boston Pops cds. The Sox got pounded 9-1. I'm glad to see the Nats starting to win, but I was sad that John Smoltz's first outing of the season went so badly for him. Also, I've decided that if I end up moving to New York City for grad school I may just have to become a Red Sox fan. ;-)

Fred is going to be my travel buddy in the Czech Republic. I don't know if I'll be able to take pictures and upload them while I'm over there, but I'll try to at least write when I can.

So, we're at T minus one and a half days to departure. I at least pulled out my suitcase and packed towels, a music stand, and some formal-ish clothes. I'm making my peace with the idea that I'm not going to get to practice as much as I want until Sunday at the earliest, but that's okay.

I was glad Mom and I went to the game tonight - a baseball game in the nation's capital. It's pretty hard to get more American than that right before my first trip. It was a great night game, one of my favorite pitchers of all time (even though he didn't do super well), and a hometown win. Plus a free Boston Pops cd and a cute lobster. All in all a great night.

Uber packing and preparation starts tomorrow.

Na shledanou (Goodbye) for now!

Let's take a step back...

2009-06-23T19:17:00.001-07:00

I realized that I never exactly gave any background on why I'm going to the Czech Republic. So, here goes:

I have been accepted to the International Music Academy - Pilsen (IMAP) so, I'll be living in Pilsen (or Plzen, as the natives call it) for four weeks. If you want more details on the program, the website is here: http://www.ima-pilsen.com. In a nutshell, it involves two lessons a week with different teachers (mine are Stephen Shipps from the USA, Jiri Fiser and Frantisek Soucek from the Czech Republic), chamber coachings and rehearsals with the Zemlinsky Quartet, improvisation classes, and string orchestra. The program runs from June 28 - July 26, 2009.

:-) So that's the story. My boyfriend, Ben, is going too - for the first two weeks, anyway.

Okay, enough blogging for today. I still haven't started packing...

New name!

2009-06-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

Hi hi,

I've temporarily changed the title of my blog because I am going to the Czech Republic for four weeks and rather than send twenty emails every time I sign on a computer I will simply update the blog and you all can comment and what not.

I leave on Saturday, flying from National Airport to JFK in New York (yes, I know, going to New York AGAIN) before meeting Ben (:-) !!) for our direct flight to Prague.

So...I haven't started packing yet, but I've been reading Rick Steves' website and guidebook and have been slowly working through Pimsleur's language learning thing for Czech. I can currently say (but not spell, so forgive me): Hello (Dobry den), I don't understand Czech (Ne rezumim Cesky), Do you speak English? (Mluvite anglitsky?), Excuse me (Prominta), and Please (Prosim) and other variations on those themes. Packing will start tonight. Theoretically. I can finally see the floor of my bedroom again, so I have a semi-clean starting point.

I'm pretty much completely freaking out about the music part of the festival thing - my pieces are all in pretty decent working order but nothing is memorized. Introduction and Rondo Capriccioso is definitely my least favorite right now. It's such a deceptive piece in that the melody of the rondo is fun to play and the whole thing sounds really cool...but it doesn't lay easily under the fingers at all and I've had to force myself to really work on it. The Mendelssohn Concerto...the second time around...is probably my most prepared piece (well, the first movement, at least), thanks to my trip to the Farm and Burton Kaplan's magic teaching. He faxed me bowings/fingerings for the other two movements so hopefully those will start coming up to scratch as well. I've been using his Technique of Intimacy (see his book Practicing for Artistic Success) with the first movement and it's been super successful. I guess you can say that Mr. Felix Mendelssohn and I get more intimate every day. ;-) Last piece is Beethoven Sonata for piano and violin No. 8. I haven't had a violin lesson on this for over a year, but I did write my final analysis paper on it for Form and it's come back pretty easily. I'm sure all three of my teachers in the Czech Republic will have their own opinions on everything.

In terms of chamber music, I am the second violinist (YES! Finally! I get to not have to learn high screechy melody lines. This is not to say that I hate playing first violin, but rather that I am looking forward to a new, less stressful experience) in a quartet playing - appropriately - Dvorak's American Quartet. Ben, my boyfriend, is our violist and he's ecstatic about it. For those of you non-string musicians out there, the viola is the most commonly insulted and overlooked instrument in the string family (I'm sorry, Ben, but it's true!) and the American Quartet starts with one of the biggest viola solos in the quartet repertoire.

So yes. I'm going to go continue that whole practicing thing so I don't completely humilliate myself in a foreign country. I'll keep you updated on...well, practicing, I guess, and packing.

That's all for now,

Claire

New Thoughts for a New Semester

2009-02-09T21:11:00.001-08:00

I haven't written for awhile because I was lacking inspiration. It seemed to me that my faith and my music were two different things, opposing forces that pulled me in two different directions. Sometimes it still seems that way, but I am starting to see that my faith can inspire my music and how I react to the music world.

I'm convinced that only a profound love of art and music can lead anyone to a musical career, because the music world I am in sucks most of the time. In their quest for the Holy Grail of good musicianship, good people become self-centered, stressed, and sometimes physically injured. Some days, it's hard to even summon the energy to say hello to those we pass in the hallway.

My faith, however, tells me differently. It tells me that no matter how badly I am treated, how much I am ignored, or how tired, stressed out, and cranky I am, I must do my part to show the love of God to others. This means being kind and compassionate when I would rather go home and lock the door, summoning the energy for a smile and a "Hello, how are you doing?" when it's easier just to look away and walk by. It means I try to remember little things people tell me and to do things to maintain friendships and show that I care.

Sometimes I feel so lost and so alone. I wonder how many other people are caught in the same cycle of stress and aloneness. Maybe if we all opened up, even just a little, to other people, we could see that we are all walking this road of life together and try to do things to make others' journeys easier.

It's the reason why, no matter how busy I am, I stay on the Newman leadership team because I need so much to be reminded of God's role in my life. I need the constant reminders of how God can work in my life and the spiritual community.

I fail so often...I get so worried and stressed out about my own life that I am not as kind or patient as I should be. Sometimes I just nod at the people in the hall instead of giving them a genuine smile. I need God to help me have the courage and fortitude to continue to put myself out there, to offer my kindness even when it's not always returned.

I need to trust that even though the road I walk is difficult, I'm not walking it alone. God is with me every step of the way and I know that if I just place myself in His love and care I will make it through.

Our Father, who art in heaven,
Most wonderful Creator, our loving parent who always guides us, you reside in heaven, where we all long to be so that we can be with You forever.
Hallowed be Thy name.
You have been called so many things throughout the ages, God, Yahweh, the great IAM, Jesus, but it is always the highest name in existence, the most holy name.
Thy kingdom come,
May Your kingdom come to earth so that all peoples will be united with love for You and each other, that we may live in the light of peace, wisdom, compassion, and understanding.
Thy will be done,
Even when it is hard, Father, help me to do Your will. You know what is best for me far better than I do. Even when I wish to be independent, help me to realize that I can only be truly free when I follow Your will.
On earth as it is in heaven.
The angels and saints already follow Your will in heaven. Let it be done on earth as well.
Give us this day our daily bread,
You provide for us all that we need. Help us to trust that You will provide for us, even if it is not in the ways we expect or think we want.
and forgive us our trespasses,
Forgive us, Father, when we fail to follow your ways. Through you, we can be made clean.
as we forgive those who trespass against us...
Help us to show mercy and to forgive those who wrong us. Help us to see the best in people and to be compassionate and understanding rather than judgmental and holding grudges.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Keep us away from those things which draw us away from following You, and protect us from the evil that exists in the world.
For thine is the Kingdom, the power, and the glory, now and forever.
For You are our Father, our loving God, and the kingdom of Heaven and Earth belongs only to You. Help us to carry out your mission in our small parts of the kingdom so that together we can create the Republic of Heaven on earth.

Amen. A thousand times, Amen.

Landslide.

2008-11-04T21:12:00.000-08:00

What a remarkable election. I actually spent like 4 hours watching the results on Cnn. I am so, so proud of Virginia. And of America.

I'm really excited. I hope we have visible change and reform.

Okay. I have an 8:15 am class tomorrow...well, today, I guess...

...sleep.

President-elect Obama has all my prayers for his new, very difficult job.

What? November already?

2008-11-02T06:55:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a very busy week/weekend of FOCUS festival events. For those of you unfamiliar with Baldwin-Wallace's music festivals, FOCUS festival is a bi-annual event where we focus on the music of a contemporary composer that culminates in a weekend of concerts of their music. This weekend the student contemporary ensemble, l(a gave a concert Friday night, we had the massive large ensemble concert last night and today is the faculty chamber recital in the afternoon. Our part of the concert went well, I thought. It wasn't quite as together as it could have been; some rhythmic things just didn't seem to lock in. But, we got through it, and the composer, Chen Yi, seemed quite happy with it, so that's a good thing.

Chen Yi is such a happy person. She was here all week and though I didn't get to work with her as extensively as some of my colleagues did, I was still taken with her immensely positive and cheerful spirit. Hearing her speak about her pieces helped me to understand them better and to see (and hear) past the sounds that were initally - if I am to be honest - a bit distasteful to my ears. Amanda once made reference to my 'wimpy' ears, and I must admit that she is right. I have an aversion to loud and/or dissonant noises. However, I've finally gotten used to the Chen Yi music and with her coaching and descriptions of her thought processes as she composed it, I think I understand it a little better.

The post-FOCUS festival party was last night, featuring food from China House and Mulan. Excellent Disney movie (in fact, it inspired me to attempt to get a mass of people together next year and all dress up like Disney characters for Halloween); not so authentic with the Chinese bit. It was fun to sit at a table with a bunch of people; my friend Emily from Newman came with her boyfriend, my roomie and her boyfriend came, the Bens, obviously, and a few other Con people. There was also coloring, which was fun. I find it funny that college parties seem to involve Disney movies and coloring more often than not. :-) It seems that the older we get, the more we just want to be kids. One time when I was having a lot of problems my mom said "You know, I miss the days when our biggest decision was which Disney movie to watch." :-)

A different way to think about the election...

2008-10-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

Let's forget about the Republicans and the Democrats. Drilling for oil or funding alternative energy. Staying in Iraq or leaving it. Funding defense or funding the schools. Pro-life or pro-choice. Big government and small government. What about loving your 'enemy' and being kind to others and loving your neighbor as oneself, even if that neighbor doesn't share your political beliefs?

My friend Adam sent this essay to me recently, and I'd like to share it.

The Possibility of Conversion
by Rebecca Wilson

Recently, Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori told Fresh Air's Terry Gross that we must stay in communion with those with whom we disagree in order to leave open the possibility of conversion. Not too long ago, I might have heard that as spiritual pabulum—a polite plea to prevent schism. But my own conversion, a political one, began nearly a year ago, and today I hear the Presiding Bishop's words with familiar fearand trembling. I was an unlikely prospect for conversion. I am a lifelong Democrat, and I live in the bellwether state of Ohio, where partisan politics is nasty,brutish, and endless. The wounds of the 2000 and 2004 presidential campaigns still fester here, along with those inflicted by a bloody 2004 fight over a draconian constitutional amendment that limits the rights of gays and lesbians. Two years later, a heated gubernatorial campaign resulting in the election of a Democrat was also divisive and polarizing. So in 2007, many progressive voters in Ohio were angry and dispirited. We had gotten our governor, but also bore the shame of failing to prevent the current presidential administration and the right-wing sore on our state constitution. I was solidly in that bloc. I was civil when I encountered people with whom I disagreed, but I generally avoided situations where I might encounter Republicans. It was just too hard. Except at church. My little Episcopal parish, a historic church in astruggling city neighborhood, generally attracts people who vote like I do.We are a community that welcomes everyone, gay and straight, and in a place like Ohio, that alone is often enough to drive Republicans down the road toa more conservative parish. But although Democrats are loath to admit it,the Republican party is not a monolith on this (or any other) issue, and our congregation includes people who are both Republican and progressive about human sexuality.So although I was bone-weary from assault by Republican values and victories, I couldn't entirely escape politics at church. One Republican, in particular, kept cropping up. Despite our partisan differences, we were thrown together on the cookie-baking committee, at church socials, and in the back pew. Because we are Episcopalians, we were polite. We began talking over cookies after the service, about innocuous local events, mostly not looking each other in the eye. Soon we edged into local politics, agreeing in nervous laughter that what happened at coffee hour stayed at coffee hour. Then we took the big step from standing together in the parish hall to sitting together in church. I asked him for some advice on a civic project, which he gave freely and graciously, and we met for lunch once. I considered myself very broadminded indeed. Apparently, however, this was not good enough for God. When I was asked to lead a Sunday morning seminar on faith and politics, I knew, in one of those fits of clarity that sometimes presages wisdom, that to escape the confines of left-wing dogma, the class needed both a Republican and a Democrat. So I took a deep breath and asked my pewmate to teach with me. Starting with an issue of Yale Divinity School's journal Reflections, we spent several months reading and thinking about politics and belief. We used the crutch of email to explore our own differences gingerly, feeling out painful partisan topics in writing before we talked about them in person.The rumblings in my soul, and my stomach, began then. I became vaguely nauseous when people told jokes about Republicans that I previously would have found uproarious. I stopped conversations with fellow Democrats by offering halting answers to a rhetorical question—"what on earth are those Republicans thinking?" I began to hear the excesses in Democratic rhetoric more critically, imagining how decent, well-intentioned people might feel alienated by words that had once felt to me like a righteous shield. Kathleen Norris writes that "…we can convert, in its root meaning of turnaround, so that we are forced to face ourselves as we really are." Preparing and teaching our class, I often felt muddled, seeing myself as I now understood many Republicans would—as an angry, narrow-minded, bitter partisan. Facing myself meant that I had to temper dialectical thinking with more complex ways of understanding the public sphere, and learn how to regard social problems without reflexively blaming them on a malevolent,scheming horde of Republicans. I have also had a lesson in loving my enemy. Perhaps inevitably, my teaching companion and I have discovered that the depths of what we have in common make our political differences mostly incidental and often amusing. It has been frightening to trade partisan disdain for true vulnerability, but we have long since become close friends who rely on one another in ways that would have previously seemed preposterous to both of us. Even so, conversion is sometimes lonely. In losing my partisan fervor, I have drifted from many acquaintances and some friends who regard my behavior as betrayal. Earlier this year I resigned from a client project in which attacks on Republicans—on my friend, who is active in his party, and his friends—had become so vitriolic that they were acting like poison on me. I have found myself in strange places with people I could not have previously imagined knowing, and I have been unsettled by how much I have liked them and wanted them to like me. And sometimes in a conversation, I sense my old way of thinking about an issue fall away, and I miss the comfort of righteous certainty. Norris also writes that "some of us have found the worst parts of ourselves converted into something better, our small expectations shattered in thepresence of God's great abundance…" On the eve of this election, I think that I have been converted into something better. I am still a Democrat, and my vote for president will reflect that unequivocally. But my small expectations that politics will save us have been shattered. Whether my candidate becomes president or not, what I want most after this election is to be in communion with those who disagree—with my friend and his friends and all of the Republicans and Democrats and other voters who are grieved by the ways we have wounded one another and our country. The possibility of conversion may be all that can heal us now.

Whether my candidate becomes president or not, what I want most after this election is to be in communion with those who disagree—with my friend and his friends and all of the Republicans and Democrats and other voters who are grieved by the ways we have wounded one another and our country. Yes. Yes, exactly. I agree wholeheartedly.

Update

2008-10-20T06:40:00.000-07:00

Here we are, halfway through the semester. We're scheduling classes for next year already, and all I can think is that I hope next semester is better. I've been hoping that next semester will be better since I got here.

I'll freely admit that I spent fall break asleep or hanging out with Ben. My muscles were so tense at the end of last week that I didn't even practice. Maybe I'm just really bad at adapting to situations. Maybe I just have absolutely horrible stress management skills. At any rate, even though fall break should have been three days of uninterrupted practice, I spent it exploring the RTA, grilling at the lake, engaging in some retail therapy, and sleeping. I guess I needed it, but at the same time I wonder if I will ever be able to actually be a professional musician.

I'm also having social problems. There' s a lot of people that I'm casual friends with, even good friends with that I hang out with occasionally or study with. But I don't really have a best friend. I mean, there's Ben. Ben is wonderful and amazing and he's my best friend and my boyfriend and all of that. But I sort of wish I could hang out with girls from time to time and watch dumb romantic comedies and have 'girl talk' and yeah. I do have a few best friends, but they're not here. They're at home, or at different schools. Not here. Not someone I can call on a Friday night and say "Hey, Ben's off playing video games. Do you want to watch a movie? or play a game? or just sit and talk?" Everyone already has their group of best friends. The music ed majors seem like they're all best friends - I think the intense nature of their major pretty much creates a close bond between all of them, and as an outsider, I can't fit in there. There aren't really many instrumental performers in my class, let alone any that I really hang out with. I feel almost desperate when I call someone and ask them to hang out, like I'm a little kid on the playground walking up to someone and saying "Will you be my friend?" I don't know what I'll do for a roommate next year. Again, everyone either wants a single or already has a best friend to room with.

I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I mean, I try to be considerate and kind and supportive and loyal to my friends. I don't smell bad. I'm busy enough that I won't be bugging someone all the time, wanting to hang out. I do have a lot of classwork and practicing and all.

I used to think that my problem was that I only had one or two very close friends and that when they inevitably moved away or we went to different schools I was lost and alone. Now I wonder if my problem is that I haven't gotten really close to anyone - I tried to open up to a lot of different people spring semester last year so that if one person moved away I would still have a lot of friends.

It seems that no matter what I try, I end up feeling rather alone, somewhat left out, and desperately missing home.

Au Revoir to the Chausson Poeme

2008-10-07T12:37:00.000-07:00

After many months of work, love, frustration, tears, vibrato exercises, listening, and crazy practice methods, my time with the Poeme for Violin and Orchestra by Ernest Chausson has come to an end. I am so ready to move on, but it's very weird walking into the practice room and knowing that I don't have to work on it. I did not win Concerto Competition or get runner-up or honorable mention, but I have the satisfaction of knowing that I gave the best performance I have ever given in my life and that I thoroughly enjoyed it and that I can perform. It's not just some hypothetical thing that I'm striving for...I actually can do it! It really was the most amazing feeling and I hope that I can do it again someday, whether with the Chausson or with another piece. I also played the Poeme in a masterclass for Katherine McLin yesterday, and while I was not as happy with my performance as I was with the one on Saturday, it still went pretty well. She seemed to like it and gave me a lot of help with my bow arm. She's a violin teacher at Arizona State University and I think I might have to apply there for my master's degree now...my bow arm is still working better after just a short time with her, so I can't even begin to imagine what would happen to the rest of my playing under her guidance. It's been a long month of performing Poeme, but I'm so glad that I had the experience. I'm looking forward to doing Concerto Competition again next year (hopefully with Tchaikovsky?) and maybe winning then. :-)

Things have been stressful otherwise. I'm struggling to balance the Newman Center and the Con and feel like I'm failing miserably because I don't feel that I particularly fit in anywhere. My grandfather's health has declined rapidly, so prayers for him and my family would be greatly appreciated. I'm also getting homesick, but I'm determined to tough it out until Thanksgiving. This is the longest I've ever gone without seeing my parents, and I'm starting to feel it. :-( I'll be living in the guest room at Thanksgiving because of the leaking ceiling in my bedroom, but hopefully the work on that will be done when I'm home so we can start redecorating! I'm thinking about a butterfly theme.

Well, I've got to run to a violin lesson, so I will write more later!

Quick Update

2008-09-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

Hello all,
I don't have much time to write before I run off to a rehearsal/recording session, but here's what's new at B-W!

- Dr. Hirt's Kyrie premiered on Thursday at Convocation. It was wonderful. He was so happy, and it was so cute that he dedicated it to his mom.
- After much debate, arguing, and attempted blackmail, I am not playing in the pit orchestra for Parade.
- After a very happy email, I am playing a gig with members of the string faculty in November.
- After another happy email, I may be going to an entrepreneurship conference at Eastman in January with the assistant director of the Conservatory. If they accept me, that is.
- Symphony Orchestra concert was Friday night. Not bad for a first concert. Could've been better, could've been worse. Fantastic turn out, though.
- Concerto Competition finalists announced. I'm one of them! The competition is next Saturday.
- I've decided on which summer programs to apply to: International Music Academy Pilsen, Schlern, Aspen, and Meadowmount. If I don't get into any, I will beg Burton to take me back at the Farm.
- I'm officially going back to the Farm for the last week of winter break in January and I'm so excited!
- The grad school wish list is growing, even though I won't be applying/auditioning until my year off after graduation. But here it is, just for kicks and giggles: Yale, New England Conservatory, Manhattan School of Music, University of Maryland, Queens College, Indiana University, Catholic University of America, University of Utah. Anyone have comments/deletions/suggested additions?

20 Already

2008-09-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

Another birthday has come and gone. It was a quiet, rainy day (because apparently Ohio hates me and doesn't believe in celebrating my birthday) and I actually got to spend a day in my apartment instead of running in and out of it like a crazy person aka a Con student. Ben spent the day with me, using my kitchen to make not one but two birthday cakes.
Here's birthday cake number one: yellow cake with chocolate frosting, for the less adventurous, nonexistent masses.
And birthday cake number 2, a creation of chocolate and more chocolate and yet more chocolate, with some raspberries on top. It's the kind of cake you can only stand to eat in small slices, because you fear that any more will induce an instant sugar coma. It was, in a word, amazing. And Ben made it from scratch.

Amanda came over in the afternoon and hung out with me for awhile and gave me some tips on how to not fail at the Chausson Poeme. Concerto Competition preliminaries are next Monday, and I don't feel ready. I'll just go and play and what happens will happen, I suppose.

The rest of my birthday was pretty quiet - Ben took me to Bucci's for dinner. I was excited because we got to dress up and the food was amazing.

Here's a picture my roommate took of us looking adorable. After dinner we came back to my apartment and a few of my friends came over. I was rather disappointed that so many of my friends had other plans and couldn't make it, but I think there were scheduling issues and there
was a percussion concert and all that. That's life, hmm? Maybe one of these years I'll actually manage to have a big party.

Ben, our friend Ben, and I are plotting a massive, massive game of Capture the Flag for fall break. Hopefully it will work out.

And it's another Monday...I'm off to orchestra...2.5 hours of rehearsal and then I can sleep! :-)

...oh, wait. I have Form & Analysis homework. Drat.

Junior Year - Week 2

2008-09-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that my second week as a junior is already over. More and more blocks of my time are being taken up as I start teaching and chamber rehearsals. Classes are so-so right now. I like my form teacher and class so far, but we haven't had any homework yet, so my lack of natural skill at music theory has yet to rear its ugly head. Blergh. I really do not think in chords or analysis well. And the class is called 'Form and Analysis.' Ah, well. Hist and Lit 2 is proving to be all right in terms of reading and class and very difficult in terms of listening. Perhaps I'm just not cultured enough to appreciate it fully, but all the listening sounds like depressing, boring baroque opera to me. It all sounds the same! I don't know how I'm going to remember what act of what baroque opera by whatever composer. Apparently the listening tests consist of twenty blanks on a piece of paper and we have to give the name of the piece, the composer, and either the type of piece or the movement. AHHHHH!

I will be performing quite a bit this month. I officially turned in my entry form for the school Concerto Competition this afternoon and my teacher is having me perform it with piano in studio next week, possibly the following week, then in the preliminaries, then in string departmental, and then possibly in the finals if I make it that far. I suppose it'll be good for me, but I'm still pretty nervous about playing. I feel so horribly self-consious. In orchestra, I still feel like some kind of impostor sitting first stand. When I walk to my seat I think "Wait, I'm going too far up. I don't belong there."

Orchestra is much more stressful this year, given my position on the first stand. I still haven't learned my parts to Oltman's (or my) satisfaction, but I hope I'll make some progress on them this weekend. We already have bowings!!! The concert isn't even until the 26th. Needless to say, we are all quite excited about this. One of the perks about being on the first stand is that Amanda does the bowings and we use her part - therefore, I don't have to copy in bowings! I'm struggling to control the physical manifestations of stress, though - the back of my neck automatically tenses on Oltman's upbeat and there's the tendency to hunch my shoulders in or not support my arms with my back like I should to avoid hitting people with my bow and to see Oltman. Every day I'm a little less sore, though, so I just need to try to remember my Alexander Technique lessons (as I sit up a little straighter at my computer and realize just how much I was hunching over the keyboard) and to practice intelligently. Sooner or later I'll adjust to having actual rehearsals again and to the constant stress that comes with being at school.

In addition to academic stress, there are also the little household things that happen at the most inconvenient times. One night this week, I was laying on some ice to relax my shoulders after a long day of playing and my roommate came out of the bathroom with a rather worried look on her face. It seemed that the toilet was not flushing properly. In fact, the bowl was so full that we couldn't even put the plunger in without displacing a significant amount of water. Our bathroom floor was covered in water, and no one was answering their phones to help. Finally I called home and Dad woke up Mom who talked me through plunging it enough to finally let the water all drain out. We were so relieved that it wasn't a bigger problem. Then, however, not five minutes after I hung up with Mom, there was a knock at the door. We opened it to see two uniformed campus security officers who informed us that our downstairs neighbors had called security on us because water was running down the walls of their apartment. After assuring them that we had fixed the problem, they bid us good night and left. How mortifying! It wasn't our fault, and we did fix it, and there was no need to call security on us! Oh, well. All's well that ends well, I suppose.

I'm also having some technical difficulties. I'm planning on applying to a few summer festivals this year - I'm determined to make it to Europe this summer, since my plans for Italy fell through, and especially since all my friends have gone/are in/are going to Europe. However, applications require audition cds, which require me to make recordings. I had hoped to get one of the recording devices that plug into an iPod but I recently found out that my first generation iPod nano is, in fact, obsolete and is not compatitible with any of these recording devices. So, I have to return the recording device to the bookstore or get a new iPod (which I really can't afford). I really would prefer not to deal with paying and scheduling the recording studio here at school, and I really need to record the Chausson Poeme this month as I won't be working on it after Concerto Competition and that's the only concerto I have ready or will have ready for these auditions. Does anyone have recommendations?

All right, I think I'm going to take a nap, do some homework, and go practice. Chamber rehearsals and teaching start this weekend...super exciting!

Things are looking up...

2008-08-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

So, Oltman revealed the seating for the violins and somehow I made second chair, first violin! I was quite surprised and am a little worried about having to learn all my parts perfectly. I'm so happy that Amanda made concertmaster and is my stand partner again! We talked about it in a rather joking manner at the end of last semester and now we're actually first stand! Needless to say, that did a lot to improve my mood and general outlook on life.

I also talked to my violin teacher about recital repertoire and currently it's looking like the Dvorak Romance and the Franck sonata. As soon as I play the Chausson Poeme in concerto competition in a few weeks, I'll start the Tchaikovsky concerto (!) as a long term challenge piece (eventually a grad school audition piece). I'm sort of insanely excited about it even though I'm also really scared that I'm biting off a bit more than I can chew. For those of you not familiar with the piece, the first movement is 21 pages long. And that's only the first movement. If anyone has tips on increasing endurance, please let me know!

It's so good to be back at the Newman Center. I love the deep faith inherent in our community and I also love the openness to everyone. We had our annual free spaghetti dinner yesterday. After spending two hours in the kitchen cooking vast quantities of spaghetti and sauce and everything else, I went outside to the porch to hang out with the greeters. Two guys walked up and said "Do we fit in here in any way?" "Do you like spaghetti?" "Yes." "Then come on in!" "So what is this place?" "The Catholic Center." "Ummm..." "Don't worry, we're open to everyone!" I love that. We encourage non-Catholics to share their beliefs with us and to come to our events and Mass and all of that. And more than anything else, I just love the community. I have so many good friends at Newman - not people I necessarily hang out with every day or confide my deepest secrets to, but people that I know I can rely on, who would drop everything to help me if I needed to. It's just wonderful. When I walked into the Newman house on Sunday, I finally felt a sense of gladness and welcome.

All right, I need to end this post now because Ben and I made a pizza with ingredients from the Italian store and its deliciousness is calling me. :-)

Junior Year

2008-08-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back in cheery (and by cheery I mean gray, drizzly, and slightly chilly) Ohio. I definitely won't have as interesting blog posts as Laura, but I will strive to entertain as best as I can. Unfortunately, it may sound really complain-y today, as I'm not taking my return to Ohio in the best way...

Let's start with my apartment. It is amazing. The kitchen is wonderful and big enough for our table to be in there and our bedroom is big enough to have our beds unbunked. My desk is in the living room, in a corner near my closet and the rest of the living room is great. I got curtains off of freecycle and it looks wonderful. :-) Diane is a great roommate and I really love my living situation.

Okay, next. Classes. This semester I have Music History and Literature 2: Baroque and Classical, Form and Analysis 1, Instrumental Conducting, Ballet 1, violin lessons, chamber music, voice lessons, and orchestra. Hist and Lit 2 is way too early, but I'll be okay. Form might be a bit hard, but I really like my professor. Conducting - I'm sure the class is fine, but I just don't like the subject and I'm only taking it because I have to.

Ballet was really fun this morning - I will be in many kinds of pain tomorrow, but it's fun.

Orchestra - it's orchestra. My audition was this afternoon. It could've been better and could've been worse but overall was much better than last year. So yeah. It's up to Oltman now. We'll see what happens. I'm not hoping for too much because I don't want to be disappointed.

I'm feeling rather discouraged already. So much to learn. So little time.

Here are the philosophies I'm trying to live by for the semester...
'Better is perfect and perfect is irrelevant.'
'Say less, do more.'

I'll write more later when I'm feeling a bit more inspired.

Summer Reading

2008-08-12T06:35:00.000-07:00

I have tried for the last three summers to read The Hero With A Thousand Faces, by Joseph Campbell. I received it as a graduation gift and love it. It's rather more intellectual than my normal reading fare but it's fascinating. I'll write a longer post when I actually finish it...I have until next Friday (when I go back to school and summer's officially over). I'm determined to do it this year!

One of the reasons I've failed to finish Hero is because I find other books that look interesting and don't require as much brainpower to read. Horrible of me, isn't it? Something I found rather interesting was The Year of Living Biblically, by A.J. Jacobs. A secular Jew decided to follow the Bible as literally as possible for an entire year. He didn't cut his beard. He wrote the Ten Commandments on his doorpost. He didn't touch his wife when she was menstruating, and he traveled everywhere to explore different religious groups. He went everywhere from Israel to Amish country to megachurches in America. I was fascinated by the fact that someone who isn't exactly religious showed such an interest and went to such extremes to explore as many aspects of following the Bible as possible. The different ways in which people interpret the Bible and apply it to their lives are really fascinating. Here's an interesting quote. "Greenberg says that God is like an artist who is constantly revising his masterpiece. Sometimes He nearly erases his whole work, as with the Great Flood. Other times, He listens to what humans say. Moses, for instance, argues with God and convinces him to spare the lives of the complaining Israelites. "It sounds strange to say it,"the rabbi says, "but in the Bible, God is on a learning curve." Greenberg tells me, "Never blame a text from the Bible for your behavior. It's irresponsible. Anybody who says X, Y, and Z is in the Bible - it's as if one says, 'I have no role in evaluating this.' The idea that we can work with God to evolve the Bible's meaning - it's a thrilling idea. It makes me think back to Mr. Berkowitz and his shoes and the whole issue of religion providing freedom from choice. Greenberg is at the other end of the spectrum from Mr. Berkowitz. He says that just because you're religious doesn't mean you give up your responsibility to choose. You have to grapple with the Bible." (From The Year of Living Biblically, p. 268). I haven't thought about this enough to really form an opinion or an agreement or disagreement - I just think it's interesting. His website is www.ajjacobs.com if anyone is interested.

My last post had a bit of ranting about the election, and I wanted to say something positive that I see happening. Both candidates have faith as an issue for them and something important in their lives. In fact, I believe (I don't have actual data to back this up, just memories from things I've heard on the news) that recent polls show that America is becoming more faith-oriented in general. I think this is rather wonderful. The Washington Post website is fostering this discussion - see the link below. http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/index.html?nid=roll_onfaith

Why?

2008-08-10T07:32:00.000-07:00

I have tried, in vain it would seem, to hold my tongue, but current events compel me to write.

Russia bombed Georgia. The United States is being asked for aid, but historically, our intervention in things like this has turned into war. I really hope that we take a leaf out of Switzerland's book and stay out of it. "There never was a good war or a bad peace." - Benjamin Franklin. I don't think that violence will end violence.

Why? Why can't people just try to understand each other, to really, truly understand each other and to accept that we're never going to all believe the same things, think the same way, or act in the same way? Why can't we realize that it's what makes us different that really makes us unique, and special, and what makes the world the wonderfully diverse place it is?

And why can't the presidential campaign be run according to morals and honor? What would be so horrible with both candidates presenting their platforms and their positions on the issues and letting the people decide? Why the attack ads? Why does John McCain feel the need to compare Barack Obama to Paris Hilton? (Paris Hilton's response to this, by the way, is absolutely hilarious). Why does every presidential race turn into this contest of who can bash the other one the most?

In church we're told that we should vote according to our faith. Well, according to my faith and my conscience, I'm not sure I can vote. Yes, if I vote Republican it'll be following what the Church says, particularly on the abortion issue. If I vote Democrat, apparently I'm a bad Catholic, but my conscience, my gut, every fiber of my being wants to support alternative energy rather than offshore drilling, measures to strengthen the public schools, and measures to end the war in Iraq. Yes, I know the arguments that the war was necessary and that both Democrats and Republicans were responsible and blah blah blah. I do not believe in violence. I do not think it is the answer. I think that if people tried hard enough to understand and compromise it would be possible to at the very least avoid bloodshed and the waste of human life. Christians are called to support life from conception to natural death. Well, abortion might not be a natural death but getting blown up or shot isn't a natural death either. I also believe that it doesn't matter if the United States is the best country in the world. I don't think we should go around telling the world that we are the best and the most powerful and the smartest and the ones with the best government. Just because we think we're the best doesn't mean the rest of the world does. Also, it doesn't exactly make us good to work with on international matters when we constantly insist that our viewpoints and priorities are the most important.
Neither candidate is running the most positive campaign around. As Christians, and really, as human beings and inhabitants of planet Earth, we are called to build each other up and to love our neighbor as ourselves. So really, how is either candidate following these most basic teachings of Jesus? Therefore, there is no 'Christian' platform I can vote on. I suppose I have to pick the lesser of the evils and vote that way.

So yes. That's how I feel about that.

Summer's End

2008-08-09T14:00:00.001-07:00

This summer wasn't what I expected. I should have been looking forward to my last week in Italy and getting excited for the Palio. Instead, I'm sitting at home, looking at Facebook as virtually everyone of my acquaintance in my class posts their vacation or study abroad plans in Europe. I'm happy for everyone. Really, I am. I'm also insanely jealous, and no amount of prayer or attempt at positive thinking has been able to quell that feeling. I keep thinking, That should be me. I wonder if perhaps I should have gone to a different college. Yes, I'm a music major. But I have a brain, too, and part of me wishes desperately that I had at least applied to the top tier of academic schools.

I hope I can rectify that in grad school. Yale is supposed to have a fantastic music program and it's free for those who get in. So I'd not only be getting into a really good music school, validating myself as a violinist, but I'd also be going to an Ivy League school, soothing my wounded pride and ego.

I think I've lost some of my faith this summer. I still believe in God, and I still believe He's amazing and has a plan, but I think I've lost a lot of faith in myself. I'm not sure if I'm on the right road, or a road that will lead to happiness for me. I keep going because that's the only choice I see before me, and I suppose that being miserable because I'm not a good enough violinist is better than being miserable because I'm not playing violin.

I want to go to Europe so desperately. One of my friends from high school just spent six months in Peru. My oldest friend, one I've known since kindergarden, is going to spend the next year in Ireland. Another high school friend was at Oxford for her spring semester. My cousin is studying Shakespeare at Cambridge this summer. Two of my best friends from college are off to Vienna this fall, with side trips around Europe. Another college friend is spending the fall in Italy. I ran into one of my high school history teachers in the grocery store a few weeks ago and he, obviously, asked if I was going to study abroad any time soon. I was supposed to study abroad. I'm supposed to be blogging from Italy right now. But instead, the only place I'm going is back to Ohio.

I should be positive like I have been in the past. God has a plan. Everything will work out eventually. But right now, I'm just sad, and very, very jealous. I know I'm breaking a commandment. I'm coveting the trips to Europe that so many people have gotten to take and I haven't yet. The music program at B-W doesn't make it easy to go abroad and graduate on time. For some reason we don't have partnerships with very many foreign conservatories.

As for violin, I'm making progress. I know I am. I'm aware of this fact and believe me, compared to where I was last year at this time, I've come a very long way. But my experiences this summer have opened my eyes to how far I need to go. I'm a one-celled organism in an ocean of better violinists, and I probably always will be. And that fact makes me hate my career choice. I'm so used to at least having a good chance at making it to the top. I don't even have that. And violin has so ingrained itself into my soul that I can't live without it, so I'm doomed to strive for something I can't achieve or live a shadow of myself.

So yes, I know I should pray and be grateful for all the good things in my life, and I will. I try. But from where I'm sitting right now, I just feel sad and wonder if all the work will ever be worth it and if I wasted my chance to be amazing in a different field, at a more challenging academic school, where I'd be preparing for a junior year abroad in some fantastic place.

Wherever you go, there you are.

2008-07-24T18:38:00.000-07:00

We're watching a PBS documentary on Pete Seeger, and this song was playing. I just wanted to share it.

It made me think that maybe the most important place to be is where one is in the present moment. For me, this means that I'm not supposed to be in Italy, and I wasn't supposed to be a violin prodigy. For whatever reason, I'm supposed to be here, clawing and fighting my way out of a prison of tension, insecurities, and doubts. There is a time for learning. I think this is the time for learning, and working. It's a great song. People should listen to folk music more. It's really quite wonderful.

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time of war, a time of peace
A time of love, a time of hate
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything - turn, turn, turn
There is a season - turn, turn, turn
And a time for every purpose under heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time of peace, I swear it's not too late!

A Different Perspective

2008-07-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

I'm working on the Poeme for violin and orchestra by Ernest Chausson this summer...actually, to be honest, I've been working on it since January. It's been a long journey which is far from being over. I'm hoping to perform it in the concerto competition at school in September...which means I need to know it really, really well. But since I've been working on it six months, I tend to mentally zone out when I practice. It's very easy to stare at the page, which is so familiar to me now, and let my mind go somewhere else. So, I decided to try a trick that Mr. Kaplan did at Magic Mountain. I photocopied my part, and cut it up into various sizes of phrase, and taped them in a random order on posterboard, then drew arrows from phrase to phrase, in order. When I tried to play from it, I could feel my brain patterns shifting. It was an entirely new way to look at a piece I thought I was quite familiar with! It forces me to look ahead to the next phrase during the one I'm playing (or, sometimes, if I can't find it quickly enough, to just play from memory! ;-) ). Here're some close up pictures of it...

The double bar, at long, long last.

And yes, I'm well aware that I'm crazy. It's so fun, though!

Stereotypes, Assumptions, and Misunderstandings

2008-07-16T05:34:00.001-07:00

I am amazed at how many people, upon learning that I am Catholic or even that I feel strongly about my faith, automatically assume that I am straight-laced, conservative, and judgmental. There's a reason that our Newman Center shirts say "More fun than Catholics should be allowed to have"! We mock, and, I daresay, even defy how the average person sees Catholicism. Our services are simple and much more informal than most. People come as they are, and we don't judge your clothing. We host interfaith discussions periodically throughout the year in an effort to work with the other faith organizations on campus and also simply to educate ourselves about other faiths and how they relate to our own. These discussions are just that - safe spaces where we can freely explore each other's faiths without prejudice, without hatred, and without judgment. We also have 'Catholic Conversations' where we discuss everything from the plight of our generation to chastity to the Catechism. Even within a group of Catholics, we have varying and sometimes opposite opinions on matters, yet no one is judged or even made to feel like they are being judged.

This attitude, I feel, is perfectly in accordance with what Jesus taught. "Stop judging, that you may not be judged. For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you. Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove that splinter from your eye,' while the wooden beam is still in your eye? You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother's eye." Matthew 7 : 1-5.

I may not always agree with things that other people do, but that doesn't mean that I judge or condemn them for it or that I think they're going to Hell. What I think is that I don't get to decide who goes to Heaven or Hell and that a lot of people are going to be really surprised when the time comes to find that out.

I recently found out that some have labeled me as racist because I once remarked that my father is not the biggest fan of Japan. I understand my father's feelings. My father grew up in the Philippines, and his family led a wonderful life there. From his stories, it sounds like an amazing childhood. When the Japanese invaded the Philippines in the 1940's, my father and his family were forced to flee to the jungles and live in hiding for three years to avoid being put in an internment camp. They eventually escaped on an American submarine, the U.S.S. Nautilus, and made their way to San Francisco, California, where they rebuilt their lives in a new country. Therefore, my father's feelings on the subject are understandable, and though I understand his views, I do not share them. As a matter of fact, my upbringing has taught me to understand that there are many types of people in this world and that we are all different, uniquely special, and equal in God's eyes. I live in a very diverse area. My high school was 17% white, and over 40 different native languages were spoken by students at my school. When I had to go to diversity training at B-W I thought it was a joke - let's celebrate every single country in Western Europe! Quite a different kind of diversity than I am accustomed to. Consequently, I am greatly perturbed when people around me use derogatory terms for people of a different race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation and I do speak up. This is not because I am judging the speaker, this is because I have a profound respect for the human race and feel that everyone's ethnic background, religious beliefs, etc should be respected. It is important to understand that I speak up out of respect for those being demeaned, not judgment for those doing the speaking.

Just because I would handle a situation differently does not mean I think I am superior. Just because I am religious does not mean I am judging you, or anyone for that matter. In fact, to follow my faith I am asked not to judge others by God - see the quote from Matthew earlier in my post. Even if I don't necessarily agree with how a situation is handled does not mean that I am judging it. Even if I don't understand why something is so important to people does not mean that I can't at least respect the fact that it's important to them. For example, I do not play, watch, or even really understand football but I do not think that it is stupid or pointless. I do not understand the game, but I do understand that it has great meaning and significance for millions of people and therefore has attained a rather lofty status in our society. I do wish that music, particularly classical music, was granted an equal measure of importance by society, but that, dear friends, is another blog post.

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the land.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the clean of heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

(Matthew 5:3-10)

July Update

2008-07-14T05:50:00.000-07:00

The summer is going much faster than I anticipated! Already it's almost halfway through July and in another month I'll be seriously planning my return to school. At the moment I still feel quite apprehensive about that. I'm much more comfortable here at home than I was over winter break...I'm managing to practice a good amount. It's also nice just to have time to myself before I go back to the constant socializing of school. I love being around people, but I also need a certain amount of peace and quiet.

Ben came to visit for a few days, and that was amazing. It was his first trip to DC so we did all the normal touristy things and a few not-normal-touristy things, like visiting the Folger Shakespeare Library. We also took him down to Staunton, VA to the Blackfriars Playhouse to see Twelfth Night as his birthday present.

Here we are at the Library of Congress.

And here we are at the rehearsal of the Capitol Fourth concert, on the lawn of the Capitol.
Julia and I took a little trip to Bhutan. I love this picture because it looks like we actually could be in Bhutan, when in reality we're standing in front of the Bhutanese temple at the Folklife festival. Julia was able to join me and Ben downtown one day and we had a blast.
Ben and me holding hands on the carousel...yeah, we're ridiculous.
Julia and I had some trouble with a t-rex at the Museum of Natural History...AHHHHH!

All in all, it was a fantastic week. :-) <3

I've started taking violin lessons with my old teacher and they're going really well. I really love working with her. I've developed a new obsession with the song Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. I have to practice it on all strings at the frog. The frog is not my friend. The bow doesn't like it either...it makes ugly noises when I try to play there. We're in the middle of negotiations, though, and are hoping for a cessation of hostilities and maybe even a peace agreement in the next few weeks. Alexander Technique lessons have also been ridiculously helpful with my posture. I think I'm finally starting to be less tense.

I'm rereading one of my favorite books, The Faith Club. It was written by three mothers - a Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew, who formed a club to write a children's book explaining their faiths in the aftermath of 9/11. It turned into a book for grownups, too, and the book tells about their personal journeys as they learned from each other. I'd like to share one of my favorite passages from it, which was written by Ranya, the woman representing Islam in the club. I do not believe that God, who created us in so many different variations, can be of a limited, close-minded nature. How is that possible? If we as humans have the ability to broaden our reach, imagine how broad and embracing God's vision is. And if that is true, then why would He communicate with just one person? Or why should persons of a single religion get to heaven? I don't believe God discriminates in that way, and that has always been my difficulty with organized religion. I am not denying that there are churches, temples, or mosques that have a liberal, questioning tradition and acceptance of other religions. But, let's face it, we don't have to look far to recognize that religion on the world stage is more of a divider than a unifier. If you doubt that, consider the Holy Land. (The Faith Club, p. 163) This passage really speaks to me...it describes my feelings on religion very well. God created us all and loves us all equally...therefore, He should be something we can unite on and be the focal point from which we change the world for the better.

Here's another God quote that I love. It's from the tv show Joan of Arcadia. If you're not familiar with it, God begins appearing to a teenage girl in many guises...as a random cute guy on the bus, as the lunch lady, as a gothic kid at her school, a garbage man, etc. It might seem a bit weird, but it presents very real, deep matters of faith with a sense of humor in a way that is appealing to people from all religious backgrounds. This is from the first episode, when Joan is questioning whether or not the strange person is God.

Joan: Let's... let's say you're God.

Cute Boy God: Joan, I am God.

Joan: Okay, well, let's see a miracle.

Cute Boy God: Okay. How 'bout that?

Camera pans to a large tree nearby. Cute Boy God stops beneath it.

Joan: That's a tree.

Cute Boy God: Let's see you make one.

This reminded me that everything comes from God - things that we see everyday and take for granted are in fact, miracles that remind us of God's love and the infinite beauty that He is capable of creating.

I truly miss the Newman Center at school. I miss the welcoming, friendly, accepting atmosphere and the informality yet the deep faith and love present there. While I can appreciate my time to sit and be quiet with God at church here, my home church doesn't present the same sense of community or the warmth that Newman does. I also miss everyone from Newman, and our amazing Masses, and Sister Kate.

I'd better go get my day started...my violin calls.

Peace, and God bless!

The Halfway Through Summer Update

2008-06-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

My summer plans have changed quite a bit since my last post. Namely, I'm not going to Italy. I received an email about a month ago telling me that the festival was canceled and that refunds would be issued shortly. Needless to say, I was quite upset about that although I figured there was some reason that God wanted me to be at home for the summer. I think that the last few weeks have revealed some of that reason to me...although, I should start at the beginning of the summer, for those of you unfamiliar with my activities thus far.

From May 24 to June 8 I was at Magic Mountain Music Farm in upstate New York. The scenery was absolutely gorgeous. You can see the picture of the house above. It was very peaceful, which was good for my state of mind because the things I learned at the workshop completely changed the way I see music and the way I perceive myself as a musician. Burton Kaplan was a wonderful teacher. I've decided that all I want for my birthday and Christmas are donations to the 'Send Claire Back to MMMF' fund. I met a lot of amazing people - everyone from a high school violist who oddly reminds me of one of my most uniquely insane friends to professional musicians who graduated from Juilliard who were preparing for professional auditions. We all learned a lot from each other. Somehow, we all seemed to take practice breaks at the same time and ended up snacking in the kitchen and talking. We went for walks every day in the afternoon, and here are some of the pictures I took on them.

The dairy farm we walked to every day.

James, Danika, Rachel, and Josh on the epic 3.5 hour hike we took on our day off.

In the evenings, we would read quartets and talk after workshop. It was really a fantastic experience, and I can't wait to go back!

I ended up sharing a cab to the airport with Rachel to split the fare even though her flight was a good four hours before my own. My friend Kristen from B-W, who lives in Binghamton, picked me up and we went out to breakfast and church before I actually checked in for my flight. It was a lot of fun, especially as I don't get to see a lot of my friends from school often.

Three days later, my mom and I flew to Kansas City and then drove to Lincoln, Nebraska to visit my grandparents and the uncles, aunts, and cousins who live there. I got to fence with my uncle, which was great fun, although I'm very bad at it.

A week after we got home, I began a week of Suzuki training for book 2. It always intrigues me to see how people teach the basics and just how much you can teach young children. It also inspires a certain amount of resentment and bitterness in me because I wasn't Suzuki-trained and am still fighting through a number of musical issues that these kids overcome at very young ages. After an amazing lesson with my home violin teacher, however, I felt much better about everything. She gave me review Suzuki pieces to practice, which I adore - playing Twinkle at the frog is actually really hard.

Now I'm hanging out with my friend Bethany, who came for a day. :-)

Summer 2008

2008-05-22T06:04:00.000-07:00

I've been home for approximately a week and a half and spring semester feels as if it took place years ago instead of weeks ago. Surprisingly enough, I have unpacked most of my things and put them neatly away in my room. This was somewhat of a Herculean labor, since I have more books than I have shelf space. You may enjoy the pictures of my attempt to organize my bookshelf...here's the picture of all the books on the floor that I was moving off of my bookshelf in order to move different books on to it.

You now see some of the boxes of books that I was sorting through in order to find the ones I wanted on my shelf. The rest of them got packed away in the empty boxes.

Behold, my newly reorganized bookshelf!

Besides cleaning and reorganizing, I've been practicing a fairly decent amount and have had two violin lessons with a new teacher at home - I'm looking forward to working with her this summer!

I also went back to acupuncture and got cleared of my allergies to cats and dust. Unfortunately, my dad is still allergic to cats so we aren't getting one. :-(

I wrote letters every day for my first few days at home - I'm hoping to stay in touch with a lot of my friends the old fashioned way. If you'd like to do this as well and I don't have your address, please leave me a comment or drop me an email with your mailing address! I love writing letters and especially love getting them. :-)

My mom and I found a new church in the District that I adore. Holy Rosary church has Mass in Italian on Sundays! We went last week and I loved it. The church itself is small but elegant. It's made of white marble with gilt trim and manages to be elegant and fancy without being overly ostentatious. I even managed to pick up the main point of the sermon, although it was in Italian. I'd love to go there more often!

And finally, here's an approximation of my summer travel schedule and whether or not I'll be in touch.

May 24 - June 8: In Morris, New York at - yes it sounds hippie-ish - Magic Mountain Music Farm (http://www.magicmountainmusic.org). Will not be on the internet.

June 12? - June 17?: In Lincoln, Nebraska, visiting my grandparents and other relatives. Will be in touch.

June 24 - 27: At a Suzuki teacher training workshop, but staying at home throughout.

June 28 - July 1: Bethany's in town! Will be visiting with her; still in Internet contact though.

July 20 - August 18: In Siena, Italy. Hopefully there will be Internet cafes and stuff that I can use, but I won't have my laptop with me. As my cell phone does not work internationally, I also won't be able to receive or make phone calls. I'll update this blog as much as possible, though!

Here it is, folks.

2008-05-01T22:28:00.001-07:00

Somehow, the end of the school year is upon us. Tomorrow is my last day of classes. And in a week, my finals and jury will all be over. How did this happen? January, when I moved back to Berea two weeks early, seems like years ago. I was terrified about giving a recital. I didn't know if I could do it - I didn't know if I was prepared. Practicing four hours a day was risky for me...it was the ultimate physical limit for me. My heart was broken, and I had nothing besides my faith and stubborn willpower to get me through the first few weeks of the semester. Somehow, I did it. I complain a lot, and plan a lot, and talk a lot, but when it comes down to getting something, I tend to just shut up and do it. Imagine if I learned to not stress and just to do things. Or rather, if I learned to completely trust in God and to realize that everything will be okay.

Here's an excerpt from a post in January: "After a lot of debating and inner turmoil, I decided to return to school early and flew in on New Year's Day. I still feel a little guilty about leaving my parents, but I know that this is the right thing for me in order to have a good recital in a few weeks. It's very peaceful to have the apartment and the Conservatory to myself for awhile. I've started practicing again, although my body is complaining a little about putting in three-hour days again. I'd like to get up to four, someday, but right now three is all I can handle."

How far I've come since I wrote those words! After this semester, I can play for about five hours a day comfortably as long as I'm intelligent about it. I've learned how caffeine can get one through the day (which is why I'm posting at almost two in the morning!) and keep one up way too late at night. I feel like I know a lot more about chamber music, and dealing with people, and what being a true music major is like. Knowing that, I know I have so much more to learn. The more I learn, the more I feel inadequate, as if I'm trying to earn a place in a world I can envision, but is just out of reach.

The summer is only a week away. Next Sunday, I'll be going home and won't be back in Ohio for four whole months. I'm a completely different person leaving this campus than I was when I came back in January. I'll have grown even more when I come back in August. I feel like this is the summer that will define whether or not I can make it in the music world. I'm trying to go from being average to being amazing, and I'm not sure if I can make the leap. I suppose the best I can do is to get in the practice room every day, do the best I can, and trust that God will do the rest.

I'm simultaneously ready for the semester to be over and not really ready for the summer to start. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my senior friends, and I don't feel ready to be an upperclassman in the Con at all.

It's been an amazing semester. I was pushed to the limit again, but in a much better way than in last year. I really branched out to many different people instead of just a few and as a result have many more friends and am better balanced socially. Musically, I learned more about how far I have to go, although when I reflect on my progress, it really has been quite substantial. I feel I've come out of the semester stronger in just about every aspect of my life.

At this point my thoughts are becoming quite fuzzy. I know what I need to do...it's just a matter of letting go, trusting God, and doing it.

My first post in 2008 involved this quote, and it's only fitting that my last post of the spring semester also have it, as it's even more relevant to me now.

"What I am saying is this: the score is not what matters. Life does not have to be regarded as a game in which scores are kept and somebody wins. If you are too intent on winning, you will never enjoy playing. If you are too obsessed with success, you will forget to live. If you have learned only how to be a success, your life has probably been wasted." - Thomas Merton

O Lord,
Help me to keep my eyes always fixed on You and not to become distracted by worldly successes. Grant me Your strength and grace in my daily struggles and help me to keep You always in my sight, no matter how tired or out of sorts I may be. Grant me endless patience, that I may show Your love rather than my frustration to the world. Help me to desire only to follow Your ways. Guide me in my studies, and help me to remember to love them for their own sake, rather than as a means to success.
All these things I pray...nel nome del Padre, e del Figlio, e del spirito santo. Amen.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Stress Prayer.

2008-04-23T21:18:00.000-07:00

Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am e.s.t.

God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God, help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord, help me to not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th-Look a bird-ing at a time.

God, help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord, keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen.

The Great Bachumentary - Day 6

2008-04-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

Today was the day...the central performance of Bach Festival...the Saint Matthew Passion. It went really well. I felt that it was the best I'd ever played it. We had a couple of incidents, though. In part 1, the soloist decided to take a recitative much faster than we ever had in rehearsal and the orchestra was very confused for awhile until we picked up the beat. In part 2, someone's cell phone went off in the audience in the middle of a very beautiful, delicate, and soft aria. The piece following that aria was one where the crowds are shouting "Crucify him!" It's naturally quite intense, violent and harsh. It was about 10 times more so today than it ever had been. My theory is that Oltman was channeling his rage at the owner of the cell phone through his conducting...his face was completely red. I've actually never seen him look that angry. I was sure the cell phone would explode or something from the power of his mind striking it down. All of that aside, however, I think we managed a credible performance of the Saint Matthew Passion.

Me and Jenn between Part I and Part II.

Jess Banks, my neighbor, friend, and an amazing flautist, and me during break.

After we finished Part II I was ready to collapse. In fact, I'm still ready to collapse, but I went to Bach party anyway. It wasn't quite as fun as last year, on account of the fact that it was sort of wet outside and there was no Return of Simple or live music. Somehow, the video game Rock Band just isn't the same. Free food from the Cybercafe was definitely worth it, though. It was a good time, and even some of the guest soloists came!

Me, Christine Abraham (the alto soloist), and Debbie.

There's one more Bach concert that I'm going to tomorrow - an organ performance of The Art of Fugue, which I've never heard. That should be really fascinating. And then I get to start all the work (mini-essay, full essay, listening quiz, solfege individual, harmony test, harmony final paper, conducting final pieces, jury preparation) that was put off until after Bach Fest. Oh, joy.

I think I finally managed to connect with the music today - some moments in there were truly magical. I'm still not sure if all the abuse from earlier was worth it, but it was still incredibly powerful, and I'm looking forward to the Christmas Oratorio next year.

That's all for the Bachumentary...thanks for reading and following along.

Soli Deo Gloria, and God bless you all!

The Great Bachumentary - Day 5

2008-04-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

Today was the official start of Bach Fest. I went to both the concerts and a masterclass.

The masterclass this afternoon was held by the baroque trio that performed tonight. Three of the seniors played. It was really interesting to get the purist point of view on Bach - it's definitely going to affect the way I interpret the Bach partita I'm working on.

The first concert was performed by members of the Cleveland Opera Orchestra, guest singers, and the College and Motet Choirs.

They performed the Fourth Brandenburg Concerto, a choral motet, and two cantatas, one solo and one with solos and choir. It was all pretty incredible.

The second concert was with the baroque trio - violin, cello, and harpsichord. It was, in a word, absolutely amazing. Baroque sonatas can get quite tedious and a bit boring at times, but the way these musicians played completely changed the way I saw them. I don't see how anyone could have been bored. It was fantastic - they played sonatas by Leclair, Veracini, Corelli, and Vivaldi. Everyone was on the edge of their seats by the end of the concert and clapped so much that they played an encore.

Tomorrow is the Saint Matthew Passion...I suppose I should go get some sleep!

Soli Deo Gloria.

The Great Bachumentary - Day 4

2008-04-17T20:54:00.000-07:00

Today the Bach festivities officially began with Bach picnic this afternoon. It was a lot of fun and involved a lot of silliness on our parts. I adore my friends. I've made so many new friends this semester and branching out has been one of the best things I've learned to do this semester.

The sidewalk art contest.

I think the entire Conservatory turned up for Bach Picnic...even the guest soloists came! (Not Mr. Oltman, though...)

The winner of the sidewalk art contest...that's the official Bach crest.

Kristen Klehr + Claire Allen = the mighty KLAIR Duo. Also, possibly the most awesome junior recital ever to hit the Con next January.

Me and Ben - possibly the best boyfriend ever. :-)

Dress rehearsal was, in a word, long. We made it through the entire Passion. I'm more tired than anything else. We have a new Jesus, who apparently was flown in from Canada. There's no word on the other Jesus. Hopefully he's feeling better. His absence is felt by the females of the Con, as he was quite attractive in the leather coat and all, and the new Jesus is quite a bit older and rather resembles an aging cowboy. In a classier sort of way. And with an amazing voice, of course. I have tremendous respect for him - how many people could just sing Jesus in the Saint Matthew Passion on a day's notice? That's pretty incredible.

Also, I feel that it is significant to report that the words "chill out" left Oltman's mouth tonight.

That's all for now! The official concerts and everything start tomorrow, so there'll be updates on that.

Soli Deo Gloria.

The Great Bachumentary - Day 3

2008-04-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

There's not really that much to say today. We went through all the choral pieces and the evangelist recitatives. Tomorrow is dress rehearsal. There's a bit of uncertainty...apparently Jesus is in the hospital from an asthma attack, so we're hoping he'll get better soon. (For those of you confused by that statement, one of the singers plays the role of Jesus, because the Saint Matthew Passion is the Gospel of Saint Matthew set to music.)

Everyone's pretty tired at this point. Tomorrow, however, is Bach Picnic, which officially kicks off Bach Festival. Basically, the entire Conservatory will party on the lawn between the Con and Kohler Hall and go crazy with sidewalk chalk and general insanity. I should have some pictures from that tomorrow. Then most of us head off to what might be the longest dress rehearsal in the history of the world. Apparently the end of rehearsal is a half hour of Oltman thanking all the professionals involved. (The professionals, incidentally, would rather be thanked by being allowed to leave early.)

Soli Deo Gloria.

The Great Bachumentary - Day 2

2008-04-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

I think I'm finally starting to get why Bach Fest is such a big deal. Intellectually, I always knew it was important, but today I finally started to feel it. Tonight was the first rehearsal with the soloists. We've been practicing the arias for months and tonight it suddenly made sense with the vocal line. The soloists are so incredible. Jesus wore black jeans and a black leather coat tonight and I thought that was really cool. And the bass - wow. If I had to pick a favorite, it might be him. His voice is amazing - very deep, very rich, and amazingly agile.

The many, many chairs and risers needed for the Saint Matthew Passion...

Steph's complicated chart to show where everything goes.

Pretty much everyone during a break. There was some great confusion on the schedule as to what time certain numbers started...it said 9:55 but we actually got to them around 9:25. Consequently, we played 61d with only half of orchestra 2. The bass wasn't listed on the schedule even though his numbers were, so search parties had to be sent out to find him and bring him back so we could finish rehearsing. And we still got out early, even with a random 2o minute break in the middle. YAY!

Me with Maestro Oltman himself...

Here are a few funny quotes from the evening...

Mr. Oltman: "I won't say a word, but I'll glare." [in reference to the double-dotted rhythms in number 51]

Jason [after Oltman claps to signal the end of break]: "Oh my God. It's the clap again. It's like a bad weekend in Amsterdam."

Bill: Amanda, don't touch my baton.
Amanda: That's what...[stops suddenly as she realizes she's standing on the podium and what exactly the end of that sentence is]

Everyone's in a much better mood now that we're working with the soloists and choir. We're not getting yelled at as much, and everyone is just happy to be playing Bach. I wish it had been like this all along. But maybe that's why Bach Week is so special.

Tomorrow is the first rehearsal with the choir and the soloists...should be exciting!

Soli Deo Gloria.

The Great Bachumentary - Day 1

2008-04-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

For those of you not familiar with Bach Fest, here's a brief explanation: Baldwin-Wallace College hosts the oldest collegiate Bach Festival in the nation. This means that for one weekend in April every year, the music of Bach takes over our campus. We perform one of the major choral works - the Mass in B minor, the Saint John Passion, the Saint Matthew Passion, or the Christmas Oratorio. We invite guest soloists to come and work with the orchestra and college choir. We also have guest artists as well as our faculty perform throughout the weekend. Last year, Dave Bruebeck came and played a concert because so much of his music was inspired by Bach. This year, the choral work is the Saint Matthew Passion. I wasn't able to play the B minor Mass last year because of an injury, so this year is my first Bach year.

It's been a difficult experience, mainly because a semester of music school is difficult enough without one of the most profound musical works ever written weighing on you. With that added, it makes life pretty much insane. It's made harder by the fact that at every rehearsal our conductor reminds us how lowly and unworthy we are of this work. I know I'm unworthy - I've been working so hard on everything else that I haven't really had time for Bach until this week.

Tonight was the first joint rehearsal with the Festival Chamber Orchestra, the College Choir, and the Ohio Boys Choir. Surprisingly, it went pretty well, and our conductor even complimented us (yes, the strings nearly died from the shock). I'm just happy because joint rehearsal means that all my amazing choir friends are there to hang out with at breaks. Also, having the voice parts completes the work and it helps the blend.

Olivia, me, and Laura right before rehearsal. Rehearsal was mercifully only two and a half hours tonight. They only get longer from here...but Bach weekend also brings a whole round of Conservatory-wide parties. There's going to be a moon bounce at the Bach after-party, and that's really exciting.

Practicing wise, this week will be difficult, as I'll have to limit myself to less than two hours of practicing a day. It's just another learning experience, and we are honored.

Also, someone pulled the greatest April Fool's prank that I've ever seen and put a replica of Han Solo in carbonite outside of our conductor's office. A sign accompanied this which read "The deepest circle of Hell is reserved for traitors and those who do not practice their Bach."

...it's so many kinds of special.

And so ends Bach Day 1. So far, I don't think I'm injured, no one has died, and things actually look quite promising.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Serenity Prayer

2008-04-07T10:52:00.000-07:00

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.

General Life Update

2008-03-28T14:37:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd give a general update on my life, as I haven't written in awhile and I'm not feeling particularly profound today.

I'm constantly trying to balance my life. I've been spending a lot of time with Ben recently. We've only been dating a month but I feel as if I've known him forever. We get along really well, and I'm just really happy. At the same time, I'm maintaining my schoolwork and practicing and all that.

Spring break at home was really nice. Mom and I walked down to the new Air Force Memorial one morning and could see the entire city from it. Every time I go home I'm reminded of how much I love it. I miss it a lot and wish I could see my parents more, but I don't think I would have learned to appreciate it without living in Ohio or somewhere else less desirable.

Easter was also quite lovely. I stayed in Berea, as I'd just been home the week before for spring break. I went to a living stations of the cross service for the first time with Adam on Good Friday and was very moved by it. This Good Friday was also the first time I fasted. I didn't on Ash Wednesday just because I need food to get through my days, but as we didn't have class I could get away without eating. It was pretty difficult, but I managed all right and I think it helped me connect with the service better. I went to Mass on Sunday morning with Ben. We saw Jason there and ended up going out for lunch afterwards. I wasn't nearly as productive that weekend as I should have been, but it turned out to be a good thing that I took a break. This week has been insane. I've had lots of chamber rehearsals and extra rehearsals for student run ensembles, often very late at night. Bach Festival preparations are ridiculous. Mr. Oltman is very demanding and it's often very difficult to play the way he wants us to. I leave rehearsals feeling like crap a lot of the time. I had to struggle to find time to do my laundry and go grocery shopping this week.

The lesson, I suppose, is to remember that I can't do everything or make everyone happy. I can just do the best I can and know that it's good enough for God, I hope. After all, the joke goes like this: "What's the difference between God and a conductor? God doesn't think He's a conductor."

Dios te bendiga.

Better Than I

2008-03-14T21:25:00.001-07:00

This is a song that has inspired me from the moment I first heard it at my friend Jason's recital last spring. I listened to it again tonight for the first time in a few months and remembered how important it to know that we don't have all the answers.

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answer
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
And just when I had given up
The truth is coming clear, for...

You know...Better Than I
You know...the way
I've let go...the need to know why
'Cause You know Better Than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing, I don't know
Is part of getting thru
I try to do what's best
Find faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is put my faith in You, for...

I saw one cloud, and thought it was the sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who tought them to fly
If I let You reach me...
Will You teach me? For...

You know...Better Than I
You know...the way
I've let go...the need to know why
I'll take what answers You supply
'Cause You know Better Than I

Meditation with Good Intent

2008-03-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

I read about this in a magazine the other day and thought it was really cool. Even if you're someone who doesn't believe in God or isn't into religion, it's still a meditation that could help center you and make love a more central part of your life.

First, focus on your breathing. Sit quietly, and think of your mind/body/spirit. Think, "May I be happy. May I be peaceful. May I be free of suffering." Then shift your attention to another person. Hold their image in your mind and think, "Be happy. Be peaceful. Be free of suffering." The person can be a friend, family member, or someone you pass everyday on the street and never really notice. At some point, do this with people who annoy you or who you see as enemies.

See how the power of love and good intent can open your heart and make you a more compassionate person.

There's No Place Like Home

2008-03-11T12:35:00.001-07:00

For me, home is a small county in Virginia that used to be a part of the District of Columbia. It was returned to Virginia in 1846, although I think that everyone who lives in Arlington would agree that it shares more characteristics with the District than with the Rest Of Virginia. It's the smallest self-governing county in the United States, and one of the most diverse. I'm writing this post from the public library near my house, and at a casual glance around the room, I'd guess that at least 10 different nationalities are present and I can hear two different languages being spoken. It almost seems strange to me, although the variation in age is more odd than the variation in race - I'm used to everyone being a college student around me. I think I've lived in Ohio too long, although I would have never learned to appreciate home as well as I have without moving away.

Home is an odd contradiction. I feel like I've grown up so much and also like I'm still my parents' baby daughter. In some ways, I feel as if I've never been away at all and slip right back into my old life, with old high school friends, parents, church, and the like. In other ways, I don't recognize home at all. Quite a few of my things at home have been packed away (like my AP European History notes...which I want back!) and I have to dig them out when I get home. It's simultaneously a huge change and no change, if that makes any sense. I went for a walk yesterday morning and passed both my old elementary and middle school, realizing that it's been a decade since I was that young. The kids playing on the playground at recess look so small. Home is the same as it has always been, yet I don't quite fit here like I used to. Growing up is so confusing.

This is the only place I've ever lived, with the exception of college. It pulls my heartstrings like no other place in the world ever will. Seeing the Washington Monument or any other DC landmark isn't thrilling for me because of their national significance - it's thrilling because they mean home to me. I took it all for granted until I moved away. How many people can see the Air Force Memorial, the Capitol, and the Washington Monument on their way to the mall to get a new cell phone?

I've also realized how constantly connected I am to the world. I'm on AIM probably much more than I should be. I want to learn to be present in the moment a little more, but I love being in touch with people. Focusing on the moment, on only one thing in the moment is so difficult for me.

That being said, I should go work on my paper for hist and lit.

"There's a chip on my shoulder
And it's big as a boulder
With the chance I've been given
I'm gonna be driven
as Hell..."

- Legally Blonde: the Musical

Imperfection

2008-03-04T08:24:00.000-08:00

It seems strange to me that we become musicians because we love music and want to create something beautiful, to express the human condition in a way that no other art form quite manages, yet when we enter the music world we find that people are unkind, harsh, judgmental, and that this world is in fact a difficult and quite ugly world. Is this not a strange paradox? The reality of the situation seems to totally contradict the reasoning and sentiments behind the origin of our art. One of my professors explained the realities of the music world to us in class today and it just depressed me. I don't really want to have a part in something like that. He also chose to obliquely bash this institution.

So I'd just like to say this:

I chose to attend Baldwin-Wallace College because of Dr. Julian Ross, my violin professor. Once I got here, I realized that we have an amazing conservatory, full of faculty members who genuinely care about the students. I had a very difficult time last year and my professors completely supported me and were flexible to make my classes more manageable for me. Although there is inevitable social tension and competition, as there would be at any school, the student body is, for the most part, genuinely kind and supportive of one another. I have made many wonderful friends here and have had good musical and personal experiences. I am very excited to work under our new director and believe he brings many good things to this institution. Yes, there are some bad things, but there would be anywhere, for nothing is perfect. I firmly believe that the good far outweighs the bad and that this is an excellent institution for studying music. Furthermore, I would hope that people can see the good in things rather than the bad and can seek to improve their little corner of the universe with positivity, not negativity.

Everything

2008-03-03T14:37:00.000-08:00

It helps, now and then, to step back and take the long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.

We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.

This is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow.
We water seeds already planted,
knowing that they hold future promise.

We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation
in realizing that. This enables us to do something,
and to do it very well. It may be incomplete,
but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
an opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest.

We may never see the end results, but that is the difference
between the master builder and the worker.

We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future not our own.
Amen.

~ Oscar Romero

I am not a violin virtuoso. I am not a musicologist. I am not particularly brilliant at anything I do. What I am is a tired college student struggling to learn so I can have a place in this world someday. Everyone expects so much of me, including me.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is even beyond our vision. I have only a vague idea of what the future will hold for me. I have to trust that where I am is where I am supposed to be.

So, whatever I may become, whatever potential my professors think I may hold, right now I am just me. That is all I will ever be, and all I really want to be. I can only take it one minute at a time. I can't learn everything at once. There will always be more that I can do. There will always be more I could have or should have done. But life is what it is. I'm not going to kill myself trying to fit into someone else's idea of what I can be. I can only be who I am right now. And now, I think I am planting seeds. I don't know what they'll grow into, whether it'll be a magic beanstalk that leads me higher than I ever dreamed or a simple flower content in its unassuming beauty. Whatever they grow into, though, it is what God intends for me, and I cannot hope to do more than that.

Amen.

Creating Beauty

2008-02-19T08:15:00.000-08:00

It's not at all uncommon here to wake up, look out the window, and feel a sense of dread about the day to come. The skies are cloudy more days than most, and the ridiculously depressing weather doesn't help anyone's stress levels. It's really easy to get stuck in a pit of frustration, stress, and exhaustion. What I've come to realize is that sometimes it is necessary to create your own beauty. My environment doesn't naturally come with good weather or peace, so it has become important to me to find little moments of it. Even if I just light a candle at my desk for a few minutes and sit in prayer, it helps. Making hot chocolate with a friend while doing homework helps.

I felt quite spiritually empty after my experience with the opera, so Beth and I went to the Cleveland Botanic Gardens on Saturday. It was fun and very peaceful - after all, who can worry about learning ridiculous amounts of music with butterflies flying around the jungle? There was also a special exhibit on orchids, so I took a lot of pictures. Here are some to share...

And here's my favorite. Beth commented on how funny it was to see the snow outside and the orchids in. Somehow I managed to get a picture of it, and I think this picture captures what I was trying to say much better than I could ever articulate it. Yes, life can be cold and snowy and depressing, but there's beauty if you look hard enough for it...or create it yourself.

"This above all: to thine own self be true"

2008-02-18T13:49:00.000-08:00

Busy People Retreat is this week, and I couldn't be more thrilled. The timing is perfect. I have a few things that I'm trying to figure out with my life and I always love seeing Sister Kate. Spending time at the Newman House always leaves me in a tranquil and happy mood. I fell asleep on the couch there this afternoon and felt ridiculously safe and at peace. I wish I could carry that feeling around with me all the time, but as Father Anselm said at Mass yesterday, we can't live at church. We have to come down from the mountain and go into the world with all its pain, suffering, and anguish. IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE AMBER SPYGLASS AND INTEND TO DO SO, STOP READING HERE. It's like the end of the book, where Lyra and Will's task is not to be together in paradise, but to create the Republic of Heaven in their respective worlds.

Okay, it's safe to keep reading. I think I have finally gotten some closure from the situation with the opera. After talking over it with Sister Kate, I realized that I have learned everything I can from it and pulled every shred of meaning from what happened. I've synthesized different viewpoints and incorporated them. I realized today that I have a talent for analyzing my actions and emotions and rationalizing them. The circumstances of my life over the past year and a half have given me ample opportunity to get to know myself better and I realized just how well I have done that today. I tend to fixate on things and to obsess over certain ideas, or emotions. This happened with the opera. It also happened with the end of my last relationship. Now that I think about it, it's happened pretty much every time that I've had some sort of mental breakdown.

My thought for the week from Thomas Merton was in my inbox when I got home for the Newman House and it only reinforced everything that I've been thinking about today.

Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest
ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never
fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first
accept myself and, if I accept myself fully in the right
way, I will already have surpassed myself. For it is the
unaccepted self that stands in my way and
will continue to do so as long as it is not accepted.
When it has been accepted--it is my own stepping
stone to what is above me. Because this is the way
man has been made by God. Original sin was the
effort to surpass oneself by being "like God"--i.e.
unlike oneself. But our God-likeness begins at home.
We must first become like ourselves and stop
living "beside ourselves."

What a frightening thing, to get to know oneself. I often joke that I spend a lot of time in my head and that it's a scary place - but it is! There are no other people to blame problems on, no extenuating circumstances - nothing except me and God. At least, I want God to be in my head, which might sound crazy, but I think that you'd probably rather talk to Him than to me. Sister Kate and I talked about accidentally sending a guy the wrong message and she said to me, "Claire, I know you're not a deceptive or cruel person." I thought about that, and realized that at the deepest part of my soul, there is something longing to live a good life, a truly good life, to connect with God and to live with His love and His grace. I've come to realize many of the tendencies that make me less patient and less kind with others than I could be, and I hope to work on improving those. I am not a bystander, watching someone else live my life - I am me, living my life, in full control of my actions and with free will! I need to live fully within myself, to fully realize my potential to live as a daughter of God. We are all God's children, no matter how we view Him (or Her, as the case may be), and at the root of everyone's soul is the need, whether realized or not, to be close to our Creator.

Amazing God

2008-02-15T12:34:00.000-08:00

God never ceases to amaze me. Just when I think that He has done so much work in my life and that I should be grateful with what I have, He does more. He always works when I'm not expecting it. I am so happy and have many burdens lifted right now. I need to learn not to worry so much and to just trust that my best will always be enough - everything will be okay in the end, and God will take care of me. This is not to say that I should live passively and let God run my life. I am still in the driver's seat. I may not be sure where I'm going all the time, but when God is navigating, I know that it will be to the right place.

I have a roommate for next year. I had almost given up hope that I would find someone. I'd stopped worrying about it because I had a tentative plan. I was writing valentines on Wednesday night when an acquaintance sent me a Facebook message asking if I wanted to live with her next year. So I get exactly what I wanted - a double apartment in the Berea Townhouses. I only know Diane a little bit, but I know that she's a very nice and sweet person. I look forward to getting to know her more and I hope that I can be a good roommate to her! I am so relieved!

I have made so many good friends in the past few months. Laura and Olivia have turned out to be kindred spirits. Beth and I get along wonderfully and are going to the Botanical Gardens tomorrow. I look forward to some quiet time in a warm, beautiful place. The boys across the hall have pretty much adopted me and I love them all. :-) Thanks for everything, Brad, Robin, and Ben - you have no idea how much our friendship means to me!

I also know where I am going this summer. I will be spending two weeks at - yes, the name is incredibly hippie-ish - Magic Mountain Music Farm. It's in upstate New York and is run by a violin teacher at the Manhattan School of Music. He runs practice marathon retreats where you just focus on practicing for two weeks and learn really good practice methods. I think this will do incredible things for my playing. Also, there's a gourmet chef, a Jacuzzi, an massage therapist, and a butler. Need I say more?

I'll hopefully be attending a Suzuki workshop at home so I can be certified for Suzuki Book 2 and avoid taking String Pedagogy next semester. This mainly depends on how much money I have left.

And...drum roll please...I will be spending a month in Siena, Italy at the Sienna Summer Session for the Arts. I'll be studying music, Italian, and hopefully a bit of art history. I'm really excited about this! The program also has side trips to Switzerland and Rome. The only souvenir I really want is a Bible in Italian from the Vatican. How amazing would that be?

After this summer I will have pretty much nothing in my bank account. It is going to be so incredible, though. So, so incredible.

I can finally relax and settle into a productive and working mode for the rest of the semester.

All and all, I'm so much happier and less stressed!

I know we're not supposed to do the Gloria until Easter, but...

"Glory to God in the highest
Sing glory to God...
Glory to God in the highest
And peace to his people on earth!"

Centering

2008-02-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

I'm coming to truly despise some aspects of being a music major. I hate how it encourages people to cut themselves off from all other parts of life. I really don't like how it encourages us to be so self-centered, to not worry about anyone or anything but ourselves and our music careers. I want to be a violinist, but I also want to be human. I want to live and to have experiences that will enrich me as a person and as a musician.

Sister Kate told me to focus on Psalm 23 for strength.

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack.
God is guiding me every day. I have everything I need, and need only to seek God's presence in all that I do to be content.

In green pastures You let me graze; to safe waters You lead me;
In God's presence shall I be safe and cared for. He will always be with me.

You restore my strength. You guide me along the right path for the sake of Your name.
He strengthens me when I am weak and doubt that I am doing the right thing. He guides me so that I may live a life in His grace, for His glory.

Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm, for You are at my side; your rod and staff give me courage.
Even when the way is dark and I can see no light, I know that everything will be okay, because God is there. His presence gives me the strength and courage to do what I could not do alone.

You set a table before me as my enemies watch; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
I will be blessed by the Lord if I walk His path, even though enemies may surround me.

Only goodness and love will pursue me all the days of my life; I will dwell in the house of the Lord for years to come.
Following in the Lord's steps, I will be a channel for His peace and love. He will surround me with goodness and His love, and I will be with Him always.

I just found this serenity prayer online and love it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

I just need to keep these things in mind and all will be well.

Insanity

2008-01-24T14:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know how I do this, but I do. Somehow I juggle everything. I love my work. Last year at this time I was sitting in my dorm room feeling sorry for myself and crying to my boyfriend a lot because I hated my life. I didn't know how I felt about God - didn't know what kind of Christian I wanted to be, or if I even wanted to be a Christian.

I look back now and wonder how I did it. If it weren't for a couple amazing people who were with me virtually every step of the way last year, I don't think I would have made it. So now, even with new things being added to my plate every day, I'm happy. I stop and realize how busy I am, how insane this is, and then I realize that I'm actually ridiculously happy.

Here's something else I've realized: I need to be in the Con to the extent that I'm there to learn, but besides that, I have to keep myself out of it. The social atmosphere in the Con is so poisonous. There are some genuinely amazing people there. I've made so many good friends, but at the same time the constant gossip, the tearing each other down, the competition, the insensitivity - they all just wear on me. And I fall into the trap too. I spend way too much time figuring out how good I am in comparison to others, how I can get better, worrying about what chair I am. None of that matters. None of that will impress God. For that matter, musically, there's nothing I can do to impress anyone, because there will always be better people. There will always be someone better. So really, why do I worry about it? I need to get out. I need to mentally disengage. It's ironic that musicians are supposed to be so sensitive and in touch with their emotions - music is really a labor of love, after all - and yet there's this dark aura. I joke that giving your soul to the Con is like going over to the dark side. But it really is. You can go in so deep that you lose yourself.

I never want to lose myself. I want to stay me. "This above all: to thine own self be true." And I'm going to add something to that - "To God be true."

The First Days of the Rest of My Semester

2008-01-22T08:30:00.000-08:00

Things have been absolutely insane since my recital ended. It went well, by the way. There were some things I was very happy with and there were some things that could have gone better. Overall, I thought it was a good representation of the way I play right now, so I couldn't have hoped for more than that! I was very surprised that a lot of people came to my recital and everyone said they really enjoyed it, even the music majors!

My roommate asked me if I felt like having my recital over was a huge relief, and I said no. I finally was able to relax a bit after Bill's recital, but yesterday was ridiculously busy even though I didn't have classes. Now the rest of my semester can start, and in the last 36 hours I've emailed all three of my old students, called two new students, begun filling out applications for three different summer festivals in Italy, and scheduled chamber rehearsals with both of my chamber partners. I also decided to do my Beethoven sonata with a student pianist instead of a staff accompanist. Oh, and I started rehearsals as principal second violinist of the opera orchestra.

My brain is on overload right now. I'm constantly thinking of things I have to do and even when I'm just sitting in front of the tv, like now, I'm checking emails, preparing my recordings for my applications, and blogging.

I need to keep things in perspective here. I love my life. I especially love it when it's busy. I thrive on multi-tasking. I'm actually the most relaxed when I have a number of things to focus on so that I can't obsess and stress over one thing. God is present; I just have to make sure that I am aware of that.

Recital Day

2008-01-19T11:57:00.001-08:00

It is finally January 19th, and there are approximately 4 hours until my recital. I'm nervous, but not as nervous as I thought I would be. I really hope that I can be myself in the music tonight and just have a wonderful time. I've fallen in love with my program, and I hope that a bit of that love can communicate itself to the audience.

I adore playing the solo Bach sonata (No. 1 in g minor, Adagio and Presto) in the chapel because of the acoustics. Even when a Bach piece isn't designated as a sacred work, there still seems something, well, sacred about it to me. So playing Bach in a church is a religious experience. As for the Mendelssohn, someone described it as the 'heart's jewel' of the German concertos (Beethoven, Brahms, Bruch and Mendelssohn) and that's how I'll be trying to play it. It really is a gem. The passionate first movement, with its quiet and not so quiet intensity and moments of quiet beauty; the second movement with its simple and beautiful melody; and the third movement, a whirl of color and vivacity, like a dancing faerie. I love it.

I hope that God will be with me through this experience and that I can try to truly incorporate more of my faith into my music as this semester goes on.

Love.

2008-01-11T09:19:00.000-08:00

There is a tendency, when a romantic relationship ends, for the people involved to indulge in a dose of cynicism toward the world and particularly toward love. I’m guilty of it myself. I can’t help but look at happy couples and wonder how long they’ll make it before they’re crying and heartbroken.

The problem with love these days is that everyone wants it on their terms. We dream of finding the perfect person who magically fulfills all our needs and fits perfectly into our lives, allowing us to achieve all of our dreams and have them by our sides. Thomas Merton wrote, "The basic error is to regard love merely as a need, an appetite, a craving, a hunger which calls for satisfaction. Psychologically, this concept reflects an immature and regressive attitude toward life and toward other people." The truth of the matter is that there is no perfect person out there. At least, that’s what I believe. I don’t believe that there is one perfect person who will completely and magically fill every need that I have to make me incandescently happy until death do us part. For me, because I am a spiritual person, I believe that the only perfect love I will experience in my life is God’s love for me.

I hope someday to fall in love again and get married. Because yes, I have been in love before. I know what it is like to care so much for a person that all you want is their happiness. I know what it is like to see sheer joy on the face of another and to know that I was the one who put it there. I know what it is to care for someone when they are sick, and to want to support them through anything that happens to them. And I know how amazing it is to look into the depths of someone’s eyes and see the love that you feel for them reflected back at you. So yes, I have been in love. That love now exists as a memory for me, the good and the bad, and I only see the happy expressions in old photographs to remember that joy.

I used to joke about creating an AP exam for my future husband. Okay, I was kind of an AP freak in high school. He couldn’t be a New York Yankees fan, he should be cultured, intelligent, always bring me flowers, write me passionate love letters, call me every day…the list goes on and on. This man does not exist. I don’t want some pre-formed ideal of love. The love from before wasn’t ideal, but it was love, true and real. I want to fall in love with someone for who they are. I want them to love me as I am, exactly as I am. And I want to know that they love me. Unconditionally, without discussions about whose needs are being fulfilled. That’s what I’m looking for in the future. I don’t want to plan when that will happen. But when it comes, I will be open to it and see where God leads me.

In the meantime, I have a lot of growing and developing to do as a person. I want to become a better violinist and a better musician – a better everything, in fact, but I want most to become more of a human being. I see people around me eschewing human contact for music and I don’t understand how they can expect to become artists with such limited contact with others. The whole point of becoming an artist is to connect with others, to express an idea and to have someone else understand it.

I want to be a human being, a good, kind human being who happens to play the violin. That’s what’s important to me. And yes, I like practicing four hours a day and having quality, disciplined study of my instrument. My work is very important to me. But it is absolutely nothing, absolutely worthless, if I only do it for myself. Merton described genuine love as a “personal revolution.” And every kind of love I feel has been some sort of revolution for me. Romantic love transformed me and taught me how close one can be to another person. My love for my friends and theirs for me has taught me how selfless and kind it can be. Love for God inspires me to be a better person and to live to show His love to others. My love for music helps me to communicate all the rest of the love in a unique way that reaches people in a way words cannot.

I’ll let Thomas Merton have the last word. “Love is not a deal, it is a sacrifice. It is not marketing, it is a form of worship. In reality, love is a positive force, a transcendent spiritual power. It is, in fact, the deepest creative power in human nature.”

* all Thomas Merton quotes are taken from his book Love and Living.

Change

2008-01-09T08:55:00.000-08:00

With the presidential election looming in our near future (a little less than eleven whole months away...I have a feeling I'm going to be sick of it before long), all the candidates are promising change. A more united America, help for the poor, a more environmentally-friendly energy policy (please, God, please!), an end to the war in Iraq, the disbanding of the New York Yankees...okay, that was a joke. I only wish that was a political platform. I'd definitely support a candidate who promised that. My point is, people are talking about change all the time. Even me, although I'm not talking about politics so much as my life.

For me, my new focus on change is because of changing friendships and the new semester. This semester is the first one I have gone into feeling a little secure in my physical condition. I finally feel like I am getting stronger every day. I am still terrified of the workload ahead of me, but I have a feeling that everything is going to be perfectly fine. The other day, I was complaining to a friend about how people treat me. Sometimes it seems that because I am not a principal player who is a senior and applying to grad school that I am not worthy of notice by other people in the Con. Or less worthy, anyway. Being ignored is a rather awful feeling. (The end of the story is that I ended up hanging out with different people that night who were nice and considerate and had a fantastic time). A quote from Gandhi popped into my head last night. "Be the change you want to see in the world." Instead of wasting my time worrying about how I am treated or crying or demanding that I be treated fairly, I should simply be the change. I should examine my own life and see how I can treat people more fairly. How can I be kinder? How can I show God's love for everyone on a daily basis?

That's the moral of my blog for today - be the change. Don't talk about it, don't complain about it, don't tell other people to change - it's time for each of us to see how we can affect the change that we would like to see in the world.

Simplicity

2008-01-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how often the simple things in life affect you the most. You know, the ordinary things that most people wouldn't think twice about but seem to take on a special significance to you. For example, when someone you love walks into a room and it brightens your entire day. Or, when someone who used to love you does. A perfectly ordinary, usual thing. In this mindset, a Frisbee can be an olive branch, the first tentative step toward peace. A comment that someone makes offhand ("I'd like to come to your recital. When is it?") can lead to healing and revelation.

With me these days, these are the things that matter. They are the things that show that God is at work in my life. Rebuilding a social network - creating one, for that matter - is no easy task. I have lost my two closest friends to circumstances beyond my control, and there are days when I still feel completely lost and abandoned. But God is at work in my life. It's amazing how much little things that other people do (that they probably think nothing of) help me to move closer to inner peace and happiness.

"My soul is thirsting for you, oh Lord...thirsting for you, my God. My soul is thirsting for you, oh Lord...thirsting for you, my God." (it sounds better when it's sung, but it's a psalm that has been going around inside me for awhile) http://www.spiritandsong.com/musicondemand/playlist/3199

Scroll down until you find "My Soul is Thirsting." It's kind of amazing.

Dios te bendiga.

My Declaration of Independence

2008-01-06T20:48:00.000-08:00

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a rearrangement of social contracts which have bound me to another and to assume among the powers of the earth the separate and equal status to which the love of God entitles me, a respect for myself and love for my Creator requires that I should declare my rights as an intelligent, talented and beautiful daughter of God.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that I am a human being fully capable of living on my own without unnecessary dependence on any one person, that I am endowed by my Creator with certain unalienable rights, among them the right to freely be myself, to chart my own course through life, and to be happy.

I have the right to play the violin whenever I want, not bound by physical limitations or the insecurities which lurk in my own mind.

I have the right to stand up for what I believe in, not to take a back seat when others insult or make light of what I hold dear.

I have the right to be a thinking, feeling, compassionate human being and a musician. I have the right to unite these qualities in one person, and I have the right to be a dedicated student and musician without hurting those I love and who love me.

I have the right to show my emotions and to not be ashamed of htem.

I have the right to be loved and respected by my family, peers, and teachers.

I have the right to be treated as if I mean something to someone.

Above all, I have the right to be true to God and myself.

“This above all: to thine own self be true…And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”

Claire Allen

Questing

2008-01-04T08:43:00.000-08:00

After a lot of debating and inner turmoil, I decided to return to school early and flew in on New Year's Day. I still feel a little guilty about leaving my parents, but I know that this is the right thing for me in order to have a good recital in a few weeks. It's very peaceful to have the apartment and the Conservatory to myself for awhile. I've started practicing again, although my body is complaining a little about putting in three-hour days again. I'd like to get up to four, someday, but right now three is all I can handle. The rest of the time I'm spending reading, listening to music, and watching random dvd's.

Even this semester is going to be my busiest yet and possibly a little lonelier than the past three, I want to find some peace. I want to minimize the drama and to stop trying, to just be. Instead of trying to be myself, I just want to be myself, as God intended.

I'm reading "Love and Living" by Thomas Merton. Here's a quote that I think is really important.

"What I am saying is this: the score is not what matters. Life does not have to be regarded as a game in which scores are kept and somebody wins. If you are too intent on winning, you will never enjoy playing. If you are too obsessed with success, you will forget to live. If you have learned only how to be a success, your life has probably been wasted."

How often I am guilty of worrying more about the score than the game! I think of the reward, of the final grade, of the concert, of the end product much more than the process and the true joy that can be found in the day to day work of my life. Perhaps in this respect the modern world's emphasis on success has influenced me too much. I wonder how much of my life I have wasted. Adjusting my thinking is definitely going to take some time.

Anticipation

2007-12-21T06:58:00.000-08:00

It's been about two and a half days since I last practiced, on account of my violin being in the shop. The first day was really nice, and now I really need to be productive again. I read a couple of books - nothing too serious, just some good fantasy and, I'm sad to admit, a couple of romance novels. They're such a good mental vacation. I woke up early this morning and called the shop...and my violin won't be ready for another five hours.

Dad and I are going to a movie at noon while Mom has a luncheon for some friends, so that will take up a big chunk of time. Then I can go to Potter's and reclaim Antonio. We're going to see The Kite Runner, which was a fantastic book. I'm a little hesitant about the movie, but I hope there will be some traces of hope. I really need that.

In other news, I've started reading/doing some research on the Book of Job. My friend Angie and I are hoping to lead a Bible study on it next semester through Newman. We figured it would be a really good book to do with college students...the whole keeping faith with God no matter how much life sucks is something that I think a lot of people - myself included - struggle with. From my research, I've learned that Job is pretty much a literary genre unto itself. Most of it consists of poetic dialogue that is both lyrical and didactic in nature. All the dialogue, however is framed by a prose tale (the prologue and epilogue). You may be hearing quite a bit about Job in the coming months. Something one of my sources said was quite interesting and struck me as very true - and as a reason why many people turn away from God. I'll paraphrase to the best of my ability. Spiritual growth is a painful process that occurs because of the contradiction between tradition and our own personal experiences. That is to say, in many cases our own experiences are very different from what is taught by the Church or is found in the traditions of our faith. This causes understandable tension, but we grow because of it and are ultimately stronger both because of the tradition and because of what we have learned. This is one of the themes of Job. I'm really excited to read more of this.

I'm listening to the Paganini Caprices. Dr. Ross wants me to get used to hearing what the 'outer limits of violin technique' are. They're pretty far away from where I am now. I hope I can get there someday. But before then...actually, before January 12...I have to learn...

1. Rode Caprices 2, 12, and 13 (the latter two are in the lovely keys of g sharp minor and G flat major)
2. Scales. Yes, I can't play scales. It's really sad.
3. Two movements of Bach
4. The Mendelssohn concerto
5. Don Juan
6. Schumann 2
7. Assorted Mozart excerpts.

Four hours and forty minutes until I can go pick up my violin.

And, to sum up this rather long post, Mother Theresa's advent thought for today: Despite our imperfections, each of us has the power to bring great happiness to someone in else. Make time today to bring joy to a person in need.

Home for the Holidays

2007-12-18T08:28:00.000-08:00

After a long and stressful semester, I am overjoyed to be back in Arlington for four weeks. This semester was in many ways my real first semester, as it was the first semester I was able to handle a full violin workload. I am so, so thankful to God for sending me down all the right paths this summer so that I could heal and return as a music major. Ironically, as my musical life improved, my love life deteriorated. Bill and I decided (well, mainly Bill) that we are better off as just friends. Hopefully this holiday season will be a time for some emotional healing.

I can't afford to take much time off, though! January 19 is my sophomore recital, and I am determined to play it all from memory. I'm also determined to play all the right notes. I'm playing Hoedown by Aaron Copland, the Adagio and Presto from Sonata No. 1 in g minor by Bach, and the entire Mendelssohn violin concerto. Additionally, I'm applying for summer festivals in Graz, Austria and Arezzo, Italy. I'll be able to use the same program material, but the festival in Graz also requires orchestral excerpts - Don Juan, Schumann Symphony No. 2, Le Nozze di Figaro, and Mozart Symphony 39. I'm also playing second violin for a friend's recital - he's conducting Copland's Appalachian Spring. I already know most of that part, though, so I won't have to practice it too much.

It's hard to believe Advent is almost over! I confess that I am guilty of not making as much time for God as I should have in the stress of the end of the semester. Today's Gospel reading from Matthew is when the angel tells Joseph not to divorce Mary, that she is carrying God's Son. It still amazes me how present He can be in our lives when we take the time to realize it. Here's a quote from Mother Teresa's advent calendar: "I know they will laugh at me. They will think me a fool, proud, mad, etc...I can do without all the rest if I have Him. fear not for me, nor for those who will join me. God will look after us all. He will be with us."